This story was so good that I had to come back and write about it immediately.

So Sam is going to be a priest this year for Halloween. I think it's going to be funny, but up until now, there's been one problem: Sam doesn't have a priest collar. So we went out to the mall, and what did we find? Nothing. Hot Topic? Nope. Spencer's? Nada. Halloween Store? Zip. In the end, he just decided that he'd make one from construction paper, and since we already had to go to Target to get him a bible (to hide his flask in), we'd just go there.

Right next to the Target is a Family Christian Store, and lo and behold- they have a sign on the door saying Select Bibles- 50% off. Score.

However, it's Family Christian Stores, and that means they have a bevy of bibles. They have bibles for just about every demographic you can hit- old people, young people, women, teenage boys, Hispanics....you get the point. But it turned out that the only bibles on sale were the ones that started at like $75. Why anyone needs a $75 bible, let alone a $150 bible, is beyond me. But I'm getting away from the point here.

I walk up to the front of the store and find a clerk- a middle aged, heavyset woman- and I ask her for a bible. Then Sam chimes in, and hilarity ensues.

The clerk asks Sam what kind of bible he was looking for, and in his most serious voice, Sam says, "I'm thinking the King James Version would be best." My laughter is already building up. I can tell that this is going to end well.

So the clerk decides that it's her duty to stick with us through the whole process- I don't think she was going to let us leave the store without buying something.

Clerk: Is this bible for a new believer?
Sam: Nope.
Clerk: Well, I think the King James Version would be kind of hard for them to understand.
Sam: Well, he's a traditionalist.

How Sam is making it through this with a straight face is beyond me.The clerk finally leaves us alone after five minutes or so, and then Sam then carries his indifference to the cash register. The cashier was this older guy who looked like he was a no-nonsense Christian, and Sam wasn't having any of this guy's peddling.

Cashier: Do you have one of our Perks Cards?
Sam: No.
Cashier: Would you like to sign-
Sam: No.
Cashier: (in a sorta "you hurt my feelings" way) Well, it doesn't cost anything...you build up points...
Sam: Nah, I'm good.
Cashier: Well, do you attend an eligible church in the area that would receive-
Sam: Umm...no.

At this point, there are a few things that are making my laughter hard to contain. One, the way Sam is holding it together and treating the situation this seriously. Two, the fact that these people don't know that this bible is definitely not going to be used for Christian purposes. Three, the fact that we could have gotten a bible anywhere for a Halloween costume, and we get it from a Christian bookstore. If we get to the pearly gates and we're on the tipping point between going to heaven and going to hell, this might be the tipping point to hell.

We have the bible. Sam is going to get construction paper from Target to make his collar. Everything is good. But part of me wants to know if they sell collars without tipping them off that this is for a Halloween costume. So I have to say something and push this situation a little further towards dealing with a couple of pissed off Christians.

Me: So I've always wanted to know this, and maybe you could help me...where do priests buy their collars?
Cashier: Well, we do pre-orders for priests in the area, and there's a store over on 4th and Monroe.

At this point, the cashier is starting to get this tone of skepticism in his voice. If he doesn't know what's up, he's starting to at least wonder. Rather than push it, I let Sam buy the bible, and leave this situation a winner.

By the way, as Sam starts carving this bible up to make room for his flask, our roommate Li comes downstairs, as he's about to leave for bible study. He sees Sam and says "NO! YOU CAN'T DO THAT TO THE BIBLE! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" He has a good laugh with Sam and I, and leaves.

Well, at least we didn't have to deal with the crazy Christians.

Touchdown, Bears. And So It Shall Be. Amen.

Near the beginning of the NFL playoffs, I stumbled upon one of the most entertaining Twitter accounts I'd seen in a while. His name? NFLJesus. There's no name attached to the account (obviously), but his tweets are all in the style of bible verses; he just takes out the religious stuff and replaces it with NFL players and concepts. He's a little Jets heavy on the bible tweets, so I imagine he lives somewhere in the New York area. Anyhoo, have a laugh and take a look below:

On Tiki Barber coming out of retirement: "Tiki, at the age of forty thou must retire from thy regular service and work no longer." Numbers 8:25

Green Bay wins the Super Bowl: "Mine eyes shall be upon the faithful of Green Bay; thy Packers shall walk in the grace of the Lord." Psalms 101:6

Jay Cutler's NFC Championship Game Injury: "Brace thyself like a man Cutler; I will question you, and thou shall answer me, and truth shall be heard by all" Job 40:7

On Steelers LB James Harrison's helmet to helmet hit: "James of Harrison; thou shall suffer penalty for your roughness and bear the consequences for thy sins of helmet-to-helmet." Ezekiel 23:49

NFL Lockout: "Give us aid against the Lockout, for a Commissioner's help is worthless." Psalm 108:12

"Arise, Lord! Deliver me, my God! Strike all NFL Owners on the jaw; break the teeth of the wicked Goodell." Psalm 3:7

Brett Favre: "He that winketh with the eye causeth sorrow; But a prating fool shall fall. Favre be thy name." Proverbs 10:10

Here are just a few other random gems from the account:

"For Akers thy Kicker will fail thee, destroy thee, forget the covenant of thy fathers which he sware unto them." Deuteronomy 4:31

"Woe unto the Colts! For they ran riotously in error of Peyton for hire, and perished in the gainsaying of Revis." Jude 1:11, #nyj

"So @Rex_Ryan brought him into his house, and gave the horses fodder; and they washed their feet, and did eat and drink." Judges 19:21 #nyj

"D'Brickashaw, my rock, in him will I take refuge; My shield, my high tower & my refuge; thou savest me from violence." 2 Samuel 22:3,


Assuming that the 2011-2012 season is still happening, I will be following this guy on Twitter every Sunday. What about you?

Honesty is the Best Policy?

I originally wrote this post back before Christmas, but it took me two months to get around to editing it.

Winter in the midwest is not that much fun when you've entered the working world. Everything seems colder, icier, and any time spent outside is too long. So you can imagine my chagrin when I had to walk to the bus stop every day in freezing weather and wait for my bus to arrive.

As we all know, it gets darker much earlier in winter, and at 4:30 in the afternoon on this particular day, it was damn near pitch black. The location of my job doesn't help matters, either. I work in a neighborhood that's not ghetto, but isn't exactly put together, either. It's like that transitional patch of land between the nice side of town and the side that used to be nice 40 years ago. There's a McDonald's, a couple of barely-open diners, a gas station, and a liquor store with a drive thru window. In the morning, this setup doesn't look too bad, but at this time of day, darkness reared it's ugly head. Even as a guy who can defend myself pretty easily, I'm not too happy to have to stand here until the bus arrives late. Again. For the third day in a row.

Considering the situation, you can imagine the cold, distant look on my face as I await my late bus. Then imagine my surprise when someone approaches me- specifically, this short black guy with a couple missing teeth, a Chicago Bulls jacket that's seen better days, and dissheveled hair. At this point, he's done well to even appraoch me in this state.

"Hey mane, you got a couple dolluhs?" he said in a raspy, slurred tone. Obviously we know where that money is going.

"What?" I reply. My hands are finally warming up. I have no intention of releasing them back into the cold until I have to shell out bus fare. But I was subconscuiously testing to see if he had the nerve to keep asking me for money. I wasn't scared when he inched closer; poor people in Springfield aren't mean or belligerent for the most part...they're just poor. Petty crime really isn't their M.O.

"A couple dolluhs. Can you spayuh anything?" he says, in a slightly louder tone. I look over and I see desperation on his face.

***SIDE NOTE: I actually have beggar policies. I don't discriminate against any of them. I don't care about race, age, gender, or whether you have a baby, a puppy, or a shopping cart- every beggar is the same to me. I will give you money if:

1. I know I have pocket change or a single, and
2. I can easily get it out and safely put away my wallet.

If I even think that I don't have a single, I won't even go into my wallet- I'm not going to let beggars see money and ask if I can go in anywhere and break change. I try my best to say "no, sorry" and not ignore them totally; after all, they are people too, and a sorry is more personal than staring, looking away, and walking off. When I'm downtown on a regular basis, I try and stick to giving every couple of days; karma is a bitch, and one wrong choice, even if it's not as drastic as getting your first fix or killing someone, could land you in the street begging right next to the person you once shunned.  Lastly, if a beggar asks to be bought food, I can't turn them down. Many ask for cash, but if you're really hungry, you'll ask for food.

Anyways, back to the story. I know I have a few singles because I need bus fare. So I reach in my pocket, and give this guy $2.

"Thanks man! I'm about to go up in here and get lit up!" he exclaims.

"Huh?" I retort. I mean, I already knew where my hard earned money was going, but since he was going to elaborate anyway, and my bus wasn't even in view, I wanted to see what he had to say.

"Yeah, I'm 'bout to get up in this heaw liccuh sto and get fucked up!" he says with a mischeivous smile on his face.

Something about this guy is just funny- endearing, almost. You could tell that in his heyday, he could have been the class clown or just really well liked- it even shines through in his hobo-chic wardrobe. You know the skinny person you see in some fat people? Like that, except involving a fifth of Early Times and a lack of dental care.

I couldn't help but laugh, smile, and return the high five he had extended his hand to receive. I really shouldn't be encouraging this type of behavior, especially with a McDonald's in plain view. That $2, plus a paltry 16 cents, would have been enough for him to get a McChicken and fries, but that wasn't his plan on this day. I see my bus's headlights in the distance- it'll be here in about 40 seconds. Like the trained broadcast interviewer that I am, I break down my plan of attack for the last few seconds of this conversation and prepare my final, poignant question.

"So why would you tell me that you're going to go get drunk right after I give you money?" I asked. I'm truly befuddled at this point- he doesn't seem drunk enough to be this honest- after all, he told me he was GOING to get "fucked up", implying that he's still somewhat sober at this point.

"Man, 'cause if I started walkin' to McDonald's when you get on this bus and you see me walk back to the liquor store, you'd be pissed. I'm just lettin you know right now what I'm gonna do. I'll give you back yo money if you want it."

I think for a second. "Nah, just keep it. At least you're honest about it."

"Thanks man. I'm gon' have a beer for you."

His honesty in a situation like this makes me look at him the same way I do Dirty Harry- he does the right thing when he's doing the wrong thing...kinda like an anti-hero.

As I board my bus, he points at me one time and salutes. He then races towards the liquor store with fists pumped in jubilation like he's crossing some imaginary finish line. I chuckle, turn my head, and prepare for the long ride home.

At least I'm not cold anymore.

Thanksgiving Preview Spectacular: Super Sloppy Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving is the time to be with your family and loved ones. But what if your family has some deep-seated hostility towards one another? As some of you know, I'm a big game show fan. So when this showed up on Collegehumor.com during the 2006 Thanksgiving season, it became one of my all-time favorite videos on the site. I don't want to ruin it for you, but I will say that this is probably what the holidays are like for people who lose on Family Feud.

See more funny videos and funny pictures at CollegeHumor.

Thanksgiving Preview Spectacular: SNL and Guy Fieri

From now until Thanksgiving, I'll be making entries that will get you ready for the glutton-fest. First up is something that happened on SNL just last night- a spot on impersonation of Guy Fieri. Fieri is played by Bobby Moynihan, an SNL player who was promoted to series regular for this season. If he keeps doing sketches that are this funny, he'll become one of my favorites really quickly.

When Mall Stores Go Bad

I love the atmosphere of a mall. The hustle and bustle, the energy that people have just by knowing it's a lazy Saturday afternoon (way to contradict myself!), and the carefree nature of shoppers without a purpose makes it a fun place to be. I've been to many malls over the years and have found offense with a few of them- most of my gripes are directed toward the purpose of these stores, not necessarily the stores themselves. So, in no particular order, here are the stores, in no particular order, that are highest up on my list of irritating stores.

1. Sunglass Hut

Ooh, upscale. Still doesn't change the fact that there are 13 inches of snow outside, and unless Little Miss Socialite is visiting town, nobody in Minneapolis wears sunglasses in this weather.

Let's be honest- unless you live in a constantly sunny environment, this place has no relevance from September until May. So explain this to me- why does every Chicago mall have a kiosk dedicated to this anomaly? I mean, doesn't paying a year's worth of rent in places like Chicago do something to their bottom line financially? Doesn't anybody at the company notice this? Who knows- maybe the bigwigs at Sunglass Hut are wearing figurative shades. All I know is that I've seen some extremely bored salespeople at Sunglass Hut during this time of year around my parts.

2. White Barn Candle Company

WHAT? THIS CANDLE COST ME EIGHTEEN BUCKS? Oh....it really does smell like a vanilla cookie.

The one thing it seems that malls are good at is constructing stores that sell only one item and attracting idiots to the mall to purchase it. This is the case with White Barn Candle. To make matters worse, these candles are overpriced- they cost like twenty bucks apiece! With the money that people spend here, they could actually pay their electric bill or buy some Lysol to mask their apparent residential odors.

3. Claire's

I wonder if they pierce ears here....

Another niche store, but at least it's cheap. Every mall has one no matter how desolate the mall is, and the only reason people go is for the free ear piercings. It's irritating because I see 14 year-old Bieber wannabes shamefully go there to get their ears pierced, but that makes it kinda funny, too.

4. Finish Line/Champs/Footlocker/FootAction

Let's be honest- you wouldn't know which one it was if the huge Foot Locker sign wasn't hanging there.

It seems that there's some sort of mandate that every mall has to have at least three of these four shoe stores. I understand that if there's only one, they can potentially jack up the prices, but that's beyond the point here. The three of these stores all look the same, and for the most part, are selling the exact same shoes, playing the same music, and playing the same tired music videos and basketball mixtapes on their screens. Even that I don't mind. What really irks me is the fact that most of these stores have given me bad service. I've seen everything from employees talking back to eye rolling when I ask for another size. It wouldn't surprise me if they were all owned by the same entity like, oh, say, BET?

5. Abercrombie and Fitch

Unless you're part of a local Polar Bear club, you probably shouldn't be shirtless in winter. Someone relay that message to this guy.

This store irritates me the worst because it does it on a personal level- it's everything that the store seems to stand for. Same uniformity as the shoe stores, but it's irritating for other reasons. This store is one of the most whitewashed in mall history, ranking right up there with Hollister, Ruehl, and American Eagle. It's a shame too, because they have a lot of pretty good clothes there...and why is there always a shirtless guy in one of the posters? I can understand summer, but winter? When he's posing in a snowy forest? Sorry sir- I think I'll put on a sweater this season.

What I don't understand is how 14 year olds can go into a store whose prices are that high and come out with bags and bags of clothes. I'm not against parents allowing to give their kids a comfortable living- I hope to do that for my kids one day. But comfortable living does not mean that 13 year old Madison should be able to waltz into A&F with her mother's credit card and buy a bunch of $58 polos and $89 jeans without hesitating.

I will say this- pumping cologne into the vents is a nice touch- the amount is a little much, but I will admit that with a more "discrete" scent (i.e. one not smelling of shirtless douchebag), it's a pretty good idea.

6. Day To Day Calendar Company

Excuse me? I need a Peanuts calendar, a datebook, a Bathroom Facts Day To Day pull off, and one of the ones with the nekkid ladies in it.

Don't act like you don't know about this store. Usually around this time of year, they set up shop in the old Sam Goody that's been closed for 6 years (you know your mall never actually found a replacement for it) for about two months and sell all sorts of themed calendars. That's all well and good, but there's a problem: THEY ACT LIKE THEY DON'T WANT TO MAKE ANY FUCKING MONEY. Let's take a look see here. Most of the time, they stay open through the first couple days of January. The problem, though, is that they slash their prices by more than half when they reopen after Christmas. Why is that? Nobody gives calendars as gifts, so why not wait until after the new year has started to cut prices- it's not like the product is about to expire or anything. Besides, most people don't even realize that they need a new calendar/plan book until AFTER the new year comes in. This is really bad strategy on the part of the calendar store. Just terrible.

7. McDonald's

There are so many other great Trans-fat laden options to go with.
Everybody in their right mind knows Sbarro > McDonald's.

Your mall has a Great Steak and Potato, a Mrs. Fields, a Hot Dog on a Stick, an Auntie Anne's, and A GODDAMN SBARRO, AND YOU CHOOSE TO EAT AT McDONALD'S? Crawl in a hole somewhere. Nothing against McDonald's, but when I'm in a mall, I want to eat at mall franchises, not some evil franchise who has no place being there. You will never find me eating at a mall's Taco Bell, McDonald's, Burger King, etc. anytime soon.

So what did I miss? What other stores make you scratch your head? Post your suggestions in the box below or email me at jeremynelson1987@gmail.com- if there are enough, I'll compile a Reader's Edition!

The Internet, Circa 1969

One of my first blog posts was a look at how incredibly accurately Arthur C. Clarke predicted the iPad in 2001: A Space Odyssey. Well today, I come to you with a video Daily Double- this video shows the uses of a computer-specifically, some mockups of what appear to be predictions of online shopping, online banking, and video surveillance (Skype?). I don't know what the source of this video is, but since this device obviously wasn't available for sale, I'm guessing that the video came from either a science expo or a documentary television show.

Note the husband's reaction when he sees the bills from his wife's purchases- it's priceless.

S-N-Hell

I have grown to loathe Saturday Night Live. In the last couple years, the only time the show seems to be funny is when former cast members like Tina Fey, Amy Poehler or Will Ferrell make guest appearances. We'll just throw Betty White in there for good measure, too.

But that's not the only reason I have a dislike for the show now; it's the overcrowded, underwhelming 90 minute debacle that the show has become. Ratings have declined, the show won't have any veteran cast members other than Kenan Thompson after this season, and these things make it clear that they are currently in a rebuilding season.

The show has been in this position many times before, but they haven't really had to deal with rebuilding seasons since the 80s and early 90s. In those cases, the show was often on the verge of cancellation, and series creator Lorne Michaels has stated that there were a few times where he's had to beg for another season and clean house in order to get it.

Right now, SNL needs some consistency, and here's what I'd do as a network exec to get the show back on the right track.

1: Cut the show to 60 minutes.

By the time you've reached the 70 minute mark or so, the only things left are the last musical performance and the goodbye. The opening sketch usually isn't funny and is really only a lead in to the credits. I say we cut everything down. All That, Nickelodeon's popular children's sketch show, wasn't live, but they did everything they needed to do in 30 FRIGGIN MINUTES. They had an opening Green Room sketch, an intro, roughly 5 sketches, and a musical guest. Why can't SNL do all of that in 60 minutes? Basically, the SNL staff takes what Second City Comedy takes months to do in putting a show together, and crams it into a week. To do that effectively week in and week out, you need people that can handle that sort of rigor, and I don't know if the current cast can do that. If I had one or two less sketches each week, and they were shorter, I could probably make them funnier in the long run, since I have more time to work with less. Less is more, people. I'd rather see the cast put together eight funny sketches than thirteen, with only three of them actually being funny.

2: Monitor the celebrity guest

I know that being the celebirty guest comes with some prestige, but it goes farther than I could ever imagine. Apparently the host, along with Lorne Michaels, gets the final say on which sketches will air and which ones won't. That's a lot of power to give to someone who may not be that funny in the first place. I think the position as host of SNL is reward enough that you don't need to give someone that much rope. And then they might not even be funny in their own sketches! Okay, sometimes they are. But what holds true is that more often than not, they aren't funny, and are normally thrown into skits that don't take advantage of their brand of humor. If I'm going to give someone that kind of power, they've got to have a proven comedy repertoire- Steve Martin and Alec Baldwin are good examples, Gabourey Sidibe is not.

3: Cut the musical performances to one

The musical guest performs twice, and let's be honest- unless the musical guest is a scantily clad woman, nobody ever watches both performances. Cut it to one, and merge it with the end of the show- that saves time on the back end.

4: Change the show's time.

Why is this show on at 10:30 at night? They do nothing different at 10:30 than what I see on TV two hours before. I know I've been preaching consistency, and this is the least consistent thing I could possibly suggest, since the show has been in this timeslot for years, but if the show airs at that time, I at least want to see or hear something more vulgar. Otherwise, what's the difference in putting the show on at 8 or 9 PM?

I really want to like SNL, but they're trying my patience.

Count Chocula in Same Position Since 1971, Longs to be More Than a Count

Oh, Count Chocula...how much longer must you be a Count before you get your due? Since 1971 when you got your promotion from Viscount (pronounced v-eye-count, not as a rhyme with discount) to Count, you seem to be in some sort of career purgatory. I think you deserve a promotion. I mean, how many boxes of Count Chocula cereal have you sold over the past 40 years? Thousands? Millions? Billions? The world will never know....

Why don't we figure out what's holding you back? I mean, you should have had what- at least three promotions by now, right? So here's what we should do- let's envision you with new titles...maybe that will motivate you to go for that promotion. In this world, Counts are kinda looked down upon. I mean, look at what happened to Jerry- he got complacent, and now he's stuck in that dead end job over on Sesame Street! Every time I go over there to visit, his breath reeks of vodka and herring; let's not even talk about the molestation rumors.

So, let's see what positions should be waiting down the pipe... Margrave Chocula- well, it doesn't sound great, but it's a transitional job, I guarantee you! A transition right into...Marquess Chocula? That whole level has got to be transitional- after you get past Marquess, you'll be....INFANTE CHOCULA? You sound like The Count's cocaine supplier!

Okay....Prince Chocula is next. That's pretty cool. You can dig that, right? NO?!?!? Why not? Oh....you know what? Screw your brother- just because he's King Chocula doesn't make you his bitch if you become Prince. You still get to have sex with lingerie models and ride around in fan- okay, we'll move on.

Alright, Duke Chocula. Sounds like you take 'roids and fist pump on the Jersey Shore. Grand Prince and Grand Duke sound like you belong to the KKK, so at least there's Archduke, right?

NO! NO! The only way you could become King Chocula is if you kill your brother...and we all know you don't have the balls or the stomach to do that. You know what? Keep peddling your cereal- you're probably better off that way. No....stop crying. He's crying now. Oh, come on. You know what? Let's go see Jerry. Maybe he has some more of those uppers you like so much.

Yep, I said it. The Count's real name is Jerry. Jerry Berman. You can quote me on that.

Cheap Army Men and Glow Sticks

Ah, the pizza arcade. The hotbed for children!s birthday parties and broken dreams. When I was a kid, I was lucky enough to have birthday parties at two of the best pizza arcades I've ever been to. That, combined with my having been to a slew of birthday parties, I've had my fair share of battles with the games at these places. In a nutshell, these places are like kiddie casinos, with kids paying money to play games of random chance and skill, winning tickets that can be traded in for worthless prizes that eventually litter the bottom of your toy box. The goodie bags you got at these parties often had more valuable stuff in them.

I, along with thousands of kids, have racked up tons of tickets. In some cases, we've saved from birthday party to birthday party, hoping that we earn enough to buy whatever the top prize was. In my youth, there was a signed Michael Jordan poster that took 20,000 tickets to buy. Soon, these places began offering Xboxes and Playstations that not only would take you 2 years worth of your parents salary to get, but by the time you had enough tickets, the Playstation 4 would be nearing the end of its life cycle.

Basically, I've had a lot of broken dreams. Simply put, if these machines took over the world, they'd screw the children first. So today, I take a look back at the games which shaped and ultimately crushed my childhood dreams of winning a large, overstuffed Marvin the Martian replica:

1: Wheel 'M In

Despite the fact that this game paid out a bunch of tickets, I HATED it. Basically, you'd shoot a coin onto this conveyor belt. It would have to land EXACTLY on one of the colored ticket strips painted on the belt, or you'd win nothing. If your coin was just a little off, the machine wouldn't cut you any slack. To make things worse, the Uncle Pennybags-meets-creepy uncle at the top of the machine would taunt you and say something like "Missed it by that much!". What an arrogant bastard.


The company has come out with a new version of the machine to swindle a new generation of ticket hunters called Wheel 'M In Extreme. It's the same game play, which, in turn, probably induces the same punch-a-hole-in-the-glass feeling deep in my gut.


2: Colorama

Colormama was made by Bromley, the same company who produced Wheel 'M In, so you know there's some sort of scam going on here. Colorama was the most thinly veiled way to bring the roulette wheel to the pizza arcade. You'd put a coin in and bet on which colored section a small bouncy ball would land in. Each colored section was a different size; the smaller the section, the more tickets it would pay out if you bet on it and won. This is probably the fairest game on my list, but that's not saying much. On top of that, when the wheel would spin, the machine would break into poetic verse, spouting "Round and round and round it goes// Where it stops, Nobody knows!" Actually, yeah, you do. You know goddamn well where it stops. Because you're a fucking machine with a twisted computer brain."

3: Progressive Skee Ball

Now don't get me wrong- I love Skee Ball- it's one of my favorite games in the arcade to this day and will probably be the first thing I buy for my future rumpus room (I just wanted to say rumpus room)! But Progressive Skee Ball is a bastard. The premise is that there's a bank of Skee Ball machines, all connected to this one ticket jackpot. To win the jackpot, you have to hit a really high target score (which is usually damn near a perfect game). Every few unsuccessful jackpot attempts raises the jackpot until someone hits it or the arcade shuts down for the day, at which point the jackpot resets to a paltry 200 tickets, or something like that. If this system sounds familiar, it is- it's the same one that casinos use for slot jackpots.

4: Cyclone
Alright, now everyone has played this game before. I've dropped more coin in this machine than most people ever will, and I'll tell you what- I have NEVER won the jackpot. NEVER. You see those two arches right in front of that button? The object is to stop a rotating light (seen here near the pink arches) in between your arches by hitting your button.

I hate this game. With a passion. I used to mindlessly drop tokens in this one just hoping to win. Then, once I began to see how rigged this game was, I dropped more tokens in, eventually hoping to win just to spite the machine. Yes, I said it- to spite a MACHINE. If Wheel 'M In didn't make me crazy, this game did.

5: Coin Pushers

Every pizza arcade had them, but nobody ever quite understands how they work. I'll tell you- shitty. That's how they work. You basically drop coins down a Plinko-like wall, and they work their way across a pusher. In essence, you're hoping your coin is the one that causes some of those coins on the edge to fall off. You win those coins that fall off (and in the case of cheaper arcades, you get a couple tickets for each coin instead. Unfortunately, no matter the theme of the machine- whether it's outer space themed, music themed, or even Price is Right themed (yep, there's one of those), you never win a goddamned thing. Only one of every 60 million people has lived to tell their happy ending with these gold coin stealing whores.

6: Any Kiddie Machines

Technically, all of the machines on my list are kiddie machines, but I mean the ones that are for the kids who are too young to ever know what they hell they're doing. The smaller basketball machines with a 2 foot hoop, the Bozo Buckets machine, and a couple others fit this category. If you were 10 or 11, you thought you found a way to cheat these machines- you'd rack your score up to like 58,000 and you got rewarded with a paltry 7 tickets, since that's the ceiling that the operators set for it. Dejected, you went back to playing big kid machines, since the effort definitely wasn't worth the reward.


So, after winning Army men with faulty parachutes, half opened Warhead candies, the occasional Whoopie Cushion, and a few temporary tattoos, I can't say I didn't have a good time. But I would have been a lot happier with a bunch of stuff that ultimately, would have been cheaper had I bought it at retail price.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Maybe That Guy Is On To Something....

Before Monday's New York Governor debates, nobody knew the name Jimmy McMillan. After the debates, it was clear that he was the star that night. McMilla, who represents the Rent is Too Damn High Party, may not have been the most well-versed of the seven candidates, but he was definitely the most entertaining- not to mention that he gained a lot of supporters since, well, the rent IS too damn high. This is especially true in New York, where a one bedroom rat-trap will cost you about $68 billion a month. And no, we're not talking about Zimbabwean dollars. Take a look-see at some of Mr. McMillan's finer points from Monday night.



EDIT: And here he is on the Sean Hannity Show just a week later:


We have a clear winner here, people. Someone get me to New York state, so I can claim citizenship there and vote for this man. He is the most entertaining politician I have EVER seen. He's going to be this generation's Mr. T- an angry black man who is more entertaining than all of TV put together, except no mohawk and gaudy jewelry. But man, does he have one bitchin' mustache. Apparently after the debate, he got 40,000 campaign donations. Well played, sir. Well played.

"Did You All Know There's a Colored Boy on Your Christmas Card?"

I loved The Blind Side. It was a great true story that translated so well as a movie, and a lot of that had to do with its dialog. It was snippy, quick, touching, poignant, and even funny. I laugh a lot at most movies, as my genre of choice is comedy, but this movie had one of the best laugh-out-loud lines that I've ever heard. It's good enough to even make my top 10.
Let me set this up for you: Michael Oher, the main character of this story, has joined the Tuohy family. That Christmas, the "conventional" Tuohys are taking a family Christmas photo when Leigh Anne, the matriarch, decides to bring Michael into the picture. Regardless of the fact that the rest of the family is dressed in a matching color scheme, and Michael, already out of place being both black and lineman-sized, is wearing an off-color scheme polo, this is the photo they send with their Christmas cards:

After the cards go out, the Tuohys get a voice message from their cousin Bobby that goes like this:
"This is Bobby, Happy New Years. Listen, I've had about five cold ones and, uh, I'm just going to go ahead and ask -- did you all know there's a....colored boy on your Christmas card?"

I could not stop laughing. There's only so many things you could say when being in a white Southern family and getting a Christmas card like that, and Cousin Bobby probably said the funniest thing possible. If you think you've got a better line for that situation, email me at jeremynelson1987@gmail.com or post in the Comments section!

Hey, Motherf****r...Guess What I Know?

Let's get in a time machine and go back to June 2009. I was fresh out of college with no job, no plans, and no idea what I was going to do. So in the meantime, I decided to do what I did best-- ask questions.

I went to my Facebook profile and posted a trivia question. Not even 10 minutes later, I had 8 replies. After a day where I asked 11 or 12 questions and kept a running score, I noticed that people liked answering my questions on Facebook. Why? Because it makes them look smart in an open forum. Soon after, I saw that two of my buddies from quiz bowl, Kevin Render and Ivory Johnson, both started doing the same thing. I wasn't mad- I was happy that more of us were getting in the spirit since they, like me, had nothing better to do that summer. After carrying this on for about 2 weeks, Ivory came up with the idea that the three of us come together and form a group dedicated to this. That, ladies and gentlemen, is how we formed...wait for it...

THE THREE TOWERS OF TRIVIA!

But wait...it wasn't called that just yet.

We got a lot of our fellow HCASC (That's Honda Campus All Star Challenge, for the record) alums and off season players to join and play the game. It was rough at first, because we had our fair share of cheaters in that first run. But we made it through quite successfully, considering the small operation that we were running.

During our first season, we decided to award bonus points to whoever came up with the best name for our group. We eventually narrowed it down to three choices: Mind Bogglers, The Three Towers of Trivia, and Hey Motherfucker? Guess What I Know!, with the last one nearly becoming our permanent name. In retrospect, it might have worked just as well.

Now, the three of us our back in school and/or working, so our schedules aren't as flexible as they used to be. We've had our fair share of ups and downs, but the ups have far outweighed the downs, and I know I wouldn't trade this for any other experience.We've asked nearly 900 questions, with out 1000th coming sometime this year, and we started our third season this week. I couldn't be much happier than that. If you want to play, join our Facebook group HERE, and you'll receive questions 3 days a week. If you have suggestions, questions, comments, or concerns, post to our wall! In the meantime, happy playing, and no quizjacking!

In the Mornings, I Really Don't Give A Damn.

For those of you who haven't found out yet, I work for the Department of Transporation's Divison of Traffic Safety. I go 3 or 4 days a week and work on various things from media buys to invoicing. I start at 9:00, but since I don't have a car, I have to be up every morning at 7:15 to catch the 8:15 bus. So naturally, with three roommates in their senior years, mornings are kinda quiet in M12. Because of this, I really don't give a damn what I do in the mornings. If I just happen to wake someone up, they can go back to sleep without interruption- screw it.

Because most nights I'm doing grad homework til midnight or later (I don't get out of class until 8:30 PM), 7:15 can be a bit much to ask. So I get up and sleepwalk my way through my morning routine, often making dead, sloth-like motions not too far removed from the zombies in the Thriller video. Most of the time, I can make it around my townhouse without doing anything that may disrupt my morning routines, or my roommates.

Today, however, was different. I didn't have any pressed shirts (I usually have my shirts dry cleaned or I iron them a few days before), so I had to iron a shirt. My roommate Ryan's room is right next to the utility closet where we keep the iron and ironing board. So at this point, it should come as no surprise what happened next. I opened Ryan's door on accident.

Now at this point, I didn't know how light a sleeper Ryan really was. But when I opened the door, he made this move that was a combination of shooting straight up like he had just had the worst nightmare of his life...and had been tasered at the same time. It took me about three seconds to realize what I had done, to which I said, "Sorry dude. I thought this was the closet.". I closed his door and laughed my ass off.

Now, I went to work, came home, and still hadn't seen Ryan again- the incident was ages ago to me, so when I got this text at around 8:25 that night, I was surprised and amused.

Yo J-dog, did you come into my room this morning or was I dreaming? Lol

I was due to get out of class in 5 minutes or so, so I knew we were due to have a good laugh over this. I come back in the house, see Ryan, and exclaim "YES!" at the top of my lungs. According to my roommate Tim, it's one of the two best stories of the year- both involve Ryan and both involve closets. However, the other story isn't mine to tell, nor do I know all of the details. You'll just have to ask them about it.

She Must Have Thought We Were Valets!

This summer, I worked for a company called University of Dreams. Basically, 125 college students intern in Chicago for 8 weeks of their summer and have an awesome time. The company also does this in 12 other cities, but I was chosen to work for their Chicago program as a summer staffer.

We summer staffers were given a 2 day orientation, a one day break, and then came move-in day for the students. The dorm we were housed in was Baumhart Hall, one of Loyola University’s many housing complexes. Anyway, Baumhart is located on Pearson Avenue, which is a one way street. All throughout the day, we helped students move their stuff from their parent’s cars/airport vans/ taxis, and got them registered.

This is where the two day orientation came in- we were instructed to be incredibly cheery throughout the day, because it was to be a long one. Now most cars/trucks/vans that stopped down Pearson that day were eager students ready to spend their summers in Chicago…notice I said MOST.

We had been moving students in for about 4 hours, and we were in full cheer mode- the students were excited, we were excited, and it was an all-around great atmosphere. There were 8 of us staffers, and by this time, we had naturally paired off to grab students and move them in. I was partnered with Kim Hoffman who had participated in the London Program in 2008. She was a Chicagoan, like me, and she was a published author. I liked her right away- she was goofy enough to be fun to hang around, but she also had a serious side….after all…you can’t be a published author unless you have half a mind to start a book AND finish it. She was a great sport with the pictures, as she was willing to do the goofiest stuff for the camera. Kim and I had become a pretty competent duo on the street; we’d flag a car down, introduce ourselves, send the student to the registration table, and move them in. It was simple and effective.

There were so many people moving in at once that we cometimes couldn't distinguish students from non-students!

Kim and I had our fair share of missteps though; on more than one occasion, we flagged down an empty cab, which didn’t make the drivers too happy, and we had flagged down cars which had nothing to do with University of Dreams. After explaining the situation to these confused drivers, we sent them on their way, having a good laugh in the process.

About 5 hours into the day, an extremely small car came driving down the street - it wasn’t as small as a Smart car, but it wasn’t as big as a DeLorean, either. Initially, Kim and I shrugged it off, since there was no way that two people and eight weeks’ worth of stuff was in that car. But it started approaching our curb….slowly…then slower….then it stopped right in front of our building. Kim and I gave each other an “oh, shit!” look, and rushed the car in a fashion not too different from a dog who rushes the front door when he hears a key enter the lock.

The passenger side door opened, and this lady in her twenties stepped out. She was really pretty, and stylish in a way that I’d expect a 20-something to be.

“Hi, I’m Jeremy!” I said, almost a little too enthusiastically.

“I’m Kim!” Kim replied, in the same, overexcited cultish camp counselor manner that I had nearly perfected that day.

“I’m Gina.”, the 20-something replied.

“And I’m Kenneth” ,said the driver, a bald black guy who wasn’t intimidating enough to be a bouncer (nor did he have the stature in a car that small), but was cool enough that he’d be a good person to grab a beer with.

We all shook hands after exchanging pleasantries, and then….it started.

Kim: “So let’s get you checked in”

Me: “…and while Kim takes you over there, I’ll start grabbing your luggage.”

Gina and Kenneth didn’t look as excited as Kim and I.

Gina: “Umm…what?”

Me: “Oh, crap.”

Kim and I then realized that neither Gina nor Kenneth was a student in our program.

Kim: “Oh wow, we thought you were a student in our program!”

Gina: (after having a good giggle) “I’m flattered, but no. I teach just a couple blocks away, and he (Kenneth) drops me off here, since it’s the easiest place in the area.

Me: “I’m so sorry! We must have looked crazy bum rushing your car like this.”

Gina: “Actually, no. Kenneth and I thought that there was something new going on out here, but we didn’t think it was your program.”

We all awkwardly said goodbye; Gina walked away to work, Kenneth drove off, and Kim and I had our best laugh to that point.

Kim: “Who did she think we were?”

Me: “Valets…that’s the only reason I could see them pulling up to the curb!”

Kim: “True, but then why are we valets wearing Dreamer shirts?”

Me: “Good point.”