This story was so good that I had to come back and write about it immediately.
So Sam is going to be a priest this year for Halloween. I think it's going to be funny, but up until now, there's been one problem: Sam doesn't have a priest collar. So we went out to the mall, and what did we find? Nothing. Hot Topic? Nope. Spencer's? Nada. Halloween Store? Zip. In the end, he just decided that he'd make one from construction paper, and since we already had to go to Target to get him a bible (to hide his flask in), we'd just go there.
Right next to the Target is a Family Christian Store, and lo and behold- they have a sign on the door saying Select Bibles- 50% off. Score.
However, it's Family Christian Stores, and that means they have a bevy of bibles. They have bibles for just about every demographic you can hit- old people, young people, women, teenage boys, Hispanics....you get the point. But it turned out that the only bibles on sale were the ones that started at like $75. Why anyone needs a $75 bible, let alone a $150 bible, is beyond me. But I'm getting away from the point here.
I walk up to the front of the store and find a clerk- a middle aged, heavyset woman- and I ask her for a bible. Then Sam chimes in, and hilarity ensues.
The clerk asks Sam what kind of bible he was looking for, and in his most serious voice, Sam says, "I'm thinking the King James Version would be best." My laughter is already building up. I can tell that this is going to end well.
So the clerk decides that it's her duty to stick with us through the whole process- I don't think she was going to let us leave the store without buying something.
Clerk: Is this bible for a new believer?
Sam: Nope.
Clerk: Well, I think the King James Version would be kind of hard for them to understand.
Sam: Well, he's a traditionalist.
How Sam is making it through this with a straight face is beyond me.The clerk finally leaves us alone after five minutes or so, and then Sam then carries his indifference to the cash register. The cashier was this older guy who looked like he was a no-nonsense Christian, and Sam wasn't having any of this guy's peddling.
Cashier: Do you have one of our Perks Cards?
Sam: No.
Cashier: Would you like to sign-
Sam: No.
Cashier: (in a sorta "you hurt my feelings" way) Well, it doesn't cost anything...you build up points...
Sam: Nah, I'm good.
Cashier: Well, do you attend an eligible church in the area that would receive-
Sam: Umm...no.
At this point, there are a few things that are making my laughter hard to contain. One, the way Sam is holding it together and treating the situation this seriously. Two, the fact that these people don't know that this bible is definitely not going to be used for Christian purposes. Three, the fact that we could have gotten a bible anywhere for a Halloween costume, and we get it from a Christian bookstore. If we get to the pearly gates and we're on the tipping point between going to heaven and going to hell, this might be the tipping point to hell.
We have the bible. Sam is going to get construction paper from Target to make his collar. Everything is good. But part of me wants to know if they sell collars without tipping them off that this is for a Halloween costume. So I have to say something and push this situation a little further towards dealing with a couple of pissed off Christians.
Me: So I've always wanted to know this, and maybe you could help me...where do priests buy their collars?
Cashier: Well, we do pre-orders for priests in the area, and there's a store over on 4th and Monroe.
At this point, the cashier is starting to get this tone of skepticism in his voice. If he doesn't know what's up, he's starting to at least wonder. Rather than push it, I let Sam buy the bible, and leave this situation a winner.
By the way, as Sam starts carving this bible up to make room for his flask, our roommate Li comes downstairs, as he's about to leave for bible study. He sees Sam and says "NO! YOU CAN'T DO THAT TO THE BIBLE! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" He has a good laugh with Sam and I, and leaves.
Well, at least we didn't have to deal with the crazy Christians.
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