When Mall Stores Go Bad

I love the atmosphere of a mall. The hustle and bustle, the energy that people have just by knowing it's a lazy Saturday afternoon (way to contradict myself!), and the carefree nature of shoppers without a purpose makes it a fun place to be. I've been to many malls over the years and have found offense with a few of them- most of my gripes are directed toward the purpose of these stores, not necessarily the stores themselves. So, in no particular order, here are the stores, in no particular order, that are highest up on my list of irritating stores.

1. Sunglass Hut

Ooh, upscale. Still doesn't change the fact that there are 13 inches of snow outside, and unless Little Miss Socialite is visiting town, nobody in Minneapolis wears sunglasses in this weather.

Let's be honest- unless you live in a constantly sunny environment, this place has no relevance from September until May. So explain this to me- why does every Chicago mall have a kiosk dedicated to this anomaly? I mean, doesn't paying a year's worth of rent in places like Chicago do something to their bottom line financially? Doesn't anybody at the company notice this? Who knows- maybe the bigwigs at Sunglass Hut are wearing figurative shades. All I know is that I've seen some extremely bored salespeople at Sunglass Hut during this time of year around my parts.

2. White Barn Candle Company

WHAT? THIS CANDLE COST ME EIGHTEEN BUCKS? Oh....it really does smell like a vanilla cookie.

The one thing it seems that malls are good at is constructing stores that sell only one item and attracting idiots to the mall to purchase it. This is the case with White Barn Candle. To make matters worse, these candles are overpriced- they cost like twenty bucks apiece! With the money that people spend here, they could actually pay their electric bill or buy some Lysol to mask their apparent residential odors.

3. Claire's

I wonder if they pierce ears here....

Another niche store, but at least it's cheap. Every mall has one no matter how desolate the mall is, and the only reason people go is for the free ear piercings. It's irritating because I see 14 year-old Bieber wannabes shamefully go there to get their ears pierced, but that makes it kinda funny, too.

4. Finish Line/Champs/Footlocker/FootAction

Let's be honest- you wouldn't know which one it was if the huge Foot Locker sign wasn't hanging there.

It seems that there's some sort of mandate that every mall has to have at least three of these four shoe stores. I understand that if there's only one, they can potentially jack up the prices, but that's beyond the point here. The three of these stores all look the same, and for the most part, are selling the exact same shoes, playing the same music, and playing the same tired music videos and basketball mixtapes on their screens. Even that I don't mind. What really irks me is the fact that most of these stores have given me bad service. I've seen everything from employees talking back to eye rolling when I ask for another size. It wouldn't surprise me if they were all owned by the same entity like, oh, say, BET?

5. Abercrombie and Fitch

Unless you're part of a local Polar Bear club, you probably shouldn't be shirtless in winter. Someone relay that message to this guy.

This store irritates me the worst because it does it on a personal level- it's everything that the store seems to stand for. Same uniformity as the shoe stores, but it's irritating for other reasons. This store is one of the most whitewashed in mall history, ranking right up there with Hollister, Ruehl, and American Eagle. It's a shame too, because they have a lot of pretty good clothes there...and why is there always a shirtless guy in one of the posters? I can understand summer, but winter? When he's posing in a snowy forest? Sorry sir- I think I'll put on a sweater this season.

What I don't understand is how 14 year olds can go into a store whose prices are that high and come out with bags and bags of clothes. I'm not against parents allowing to give their kids a comfortable living- I hope to do that for my kids one day. But comfortable living does not mean that 13 year old Madison should be able to waltz into A&F with her mother's credit card and buy a bunch of $58 polos and $89 jeans without hesitating.

I will say this- pumping cologne into the vents is a nice touch- the amount is a little much, but I will admit that with a more "discrete" scent (i.e. one not smelling of shirtless douchebag), it's a pretty good idea.

6. Day To Day Calendar Company

Excuse me? I need a Peanuts calendar, a datebook, a Bathroom Facts Day To Day pull off, and one of the ones with the nekkid ladies in it.

Don't act like you don't know about this store. Usually around this time of year, they set up shop in the old Sam Goody that's been closed for 6 years (you know your mall never actually found a replacement for it) for about two months and sell all sorts of themed calendars. That's all well and good, but there's a problem: THEY ACT LIKE THEY DON'T WANT TO MAKE ANY FUCKING MONEY. Let's take a look see here. Most of the time, they stay open through the first couple days of January. The problem, though, is that they slash their prices by more than half when they reopen after Christmas. Why is that? Nobody gives calendars as gifts, so why not wait until after the new year has started to cut prices- it's not like the product is about to expire or anything. Besides, most people don't even realize that they need a new calendar/plan book until AFTER the new year comes in. This is really bad strategy on the part of the calendar store. Just terrible.

7. McDonald's

There are so many other great Trans-fat laden options to go with.
Everybody in their right mind knows Sbarro > McDonald's.

Your mall has a Great Steak and Potato, a Mrs. Fields, a Hot Dog on a Stick, an Auntie Anne's, and A GODDAMN SBARRO, AND YOU CHOOSE TO EAT AT McDONALD'S? Crawl in a hole somewhere. Nothing against McDonald's, but when I'm in a mall, I want to eat at mall franchises, not some evil franchise who has no place being there. You will never find me eating at a mall's Taco Bell, McDonald's, Burger King, etc. anytime soon.

So what did I miss? What other stores make you scratch your head? Post your suggestions in the box below or email me at jeremynelson1987@gmail.com- if there are enough, I'll compile a Reader's Edition!