Next to platformers, my favorite type of video games are puzzle games. They're like a good workout; they begin with a slow buildup and eventually lead to a frantic rush that ends with me barely breathing in a pool of my own sweat and blood. Hey, I don't go to the gym very often.

When I rate a puzzle game, I base it upon three major criteria:

Depth- Is it easy to learn, but hard to master?
Learning Curve- How slowly or quickly is the game's difficulty ramped up level to level??
Addictiveness- If you put it in front of me right now, what's the likelihood that I'll play for at least an hour?

As a result, I've come up with five pure puzzlers that I have found, in my own personal experience, to be the best. Sure, there are games out there that I've never played before that some of you would put in your five- just let me know in the comments section if there's something I have missed. If it's obscure, I probably haven't played it, and won't find out about it until you say something! For the most part though, I believe that most of you could see two or three of these games making your lists. Without further ado, here are my Top Five!

 5. Puzzle Bobble/Bust A Move

Level 1. Enjoy the simple lines and four color scheme,
because from here on out, it's mayhem.

When it comes down to sheer play time, I've logged more hours on Puzzle Bobble than most other arcade games. Why? Puzzle Bobble was one of only a handful of Neo Geo games to get a dedicated arcade cabinet; excluding the Metal Slug and Samurai Showdown series, most other Neo Geo games were packed into a 4 game cabinet. So as a result, Puzzle Bobble stands out at most arcades I have visited, and still can take any spare quarters from my pocket. The game itself is simple enough; the player just shoots colored orbs up into the playing field, trying to clear all of the orbs by connecting three of the same order. My favorite part of these games were the "killshots" that could finish a level in a matter of seconds, but took a relatively skilled player to hit. The game gets docked a little for exponentially amping up the difficulty after the first five or so levels, but I still can't resist playing a Puzzle Bobble machine if I see one.


 4. Super Puzzle Fighter II Turbo (HD Remix)

Looks like Dan is taking a beating.
Nice to see nothing has changed.

Despite being the first (and only) in this series, Capcom decided to make fun of its tendency to overname its Street Fighter games by going all out with this one. The game was simple enough, but what made it fun was the fighting. Capcom didn't stray much from the tried and true "match the colors" format, but having the Street Fighter characters act out the puzzle battle was a fun addition- the bigger your combo on the puzzle chute, the more cans of whoop ass your character opened on your opponent's. The fighting had no bearing on the game since the person whose column filled up first still lost, but it was still fun to watch. Just to mess with us even more, Capcom put the game up on Xbox Live/Playstation Network, and converted it to HD Remix, making the name a little longer, and making gamers a lot happier.


3. Tetris

The points that Tetris earned for the dancing Russian
were immediately docked when the game decided that
I had an L block deficiency.

Tetris is iconic. Tetris is fun. Tetris is a fun party game with the right group. But no, Tetris is not my #1. Go ahead, burn me at the stake now. Most reviewers would put Tetris on their list where Shao Kahn is on the Mortal Kombat II Battle Plan- at the tippy top with no signs of letting up. Tetris MADE the original Game Boy, but Tetris doesn't have a great replay value with me. I will play a couple of games at a time, but after 20 minutes, Tetris and I are through for a couple weeks. Part of the reason comes from the fact that Classic Tetris is a never ending affair with no real benchmark to pass other than your high score. At least with a game like Pac Man, I could gauge success by reaching harder levels with each passing quarter; once you hit Speed 10 on Tetris, it was just a matter of time until you died. It just doesn't replay well for me. If it wasn't for that, it would probably rank higher. But the addictive nature of the game that got other players caught up in the madness never caught on with me. I COULD just make Tetris #1 and say that puzzle games just don't interest me as much as I thought, but two other games were able to keep my interest pretty easily....


 2. Lumines Puzzle Fusion

If you turn the speakers up when playing Lumines,
you may accidentally start a rave.

When I first got my PSP back in 2005, I actively looked for a puzzle game for it that WASN'T Tetris (see?). I looked around online and found this little puzzle game that was getting rave reviews. It was called Lumines, and boy was it good. You have these square blocks that are divided into four smaller squares- all you have to do is make rectangles of the same color that are at least 2x2 in size. These larger blocks get cleared by a timeline that moves across the playing field, serving a purpose not much different than that of a windshield wiper.

The real challenge of Lumines comes in the music. Lumines plays a set line of music tracks, all of differing speeds and styles, meaning you may very well follow a pop ballad with Japanese ska. The devil is in these speeds, though. The entire speed of the game is based upon the current song, including the timeline. If it's a slow sappy song, the timeline moves at a slower rate, allowing you to make huge combos. Of course, if you're running out of space, the slow timeline may screw you over since you won't clear out blocks as fast. Then, you may get some extremely fast scat that moves like top speed Tetris. Not much room for combos, but a skilled player can get out of a space jam pretty quickly. The game's selling point is that it keeps you on your toes, due to the constant (and sometimes drastic) change in speed. There were times where I begged for the song to change to allow me to out of a bad situation, and that unpredictability and constant suspense kept me coming back for more. The PSP's second edition added more tracks and music videos, and eventually the game was ported to PS3, Xbox, and iOS. This is one of those games that SHOULD have been a tie in with the PSP- it was that good. If you have a current gen system, PLEASE download this game immediately- you will not be disappointed.


 1. Klax

Klax Wave.
Say no more. Say no less.

 It is the 2010s....and it is STILL time for Klax.

 For the bulk of my life, I had parents who were separated or divorced. But I got to see my dad a lot; I always enjoyed spending time with my dad, and thus I always looked forward to weekends. We'd go to the movies, check out the new tech at Best Buy, scavenge for dinner, or just sit around and watch TV- just guy stuff. But one weekend each year was awesome, despite the fact that it was the one pickup weekend where I'd see my dad the least; the Robbins Alumni Association Dinner Dance.

The club members stayed at the Holiday Inn for the weekend so that they would be on site for all of the prep work, and rightly so; the dinner dance was the largest source of the club's cash flow, and, as such, required my dad's undivided attention for the weekend. My dad would always come get me that weekend, and I always got my own hotel room, so who was I to argue with 48 hours without adult supervision?

We used to have an Aladdin's Castle in the nearby mall, but it closed down before I was old enough to enjoy it. In Matteson, the Holiday Inn arcade was the next best thing. Whereas the nearby Chuck E. Cheese mainly dabbled in Skee Ball and baby rides, the Holiday Inn was boss. Over the years the arcade had a 6 player X Men cabinet, STUN Runner, a Neo Geo four-game cabinet, a Fun House pinball machine, and most importantly, Klax. Klax was created in 1989 by Atari as a way to get a puzzle game out on the market- they were tied up in litigation over the rights to Tetris, and this was their backup plan just in case they lost the rights. It was the nineties....and it was time for Klax.

 I didn't get my first taste of Klax until February of 1997, but I was hooked. Klax was this Tetris/Tic Tac Toe mashup that required players to drop tiles on this 25 square gameboard. But the challenge wasn't just about completing the level objective (score a number of points, get three diagonal scores, last for 50 tiles, etc.). You also had to keep the board from filling up, AND you could only let a few tiles fall off the edge of the screen before the game was over. It was incredibly addictive, and the levels were short enough to make you want to try again, but long enough to make you feel that you were taking on a real challenge. If you were a really good player, you'd try and form the big X and earn a warp...it was hard but worth it.

The game can be frustrating at times, especially when  you get a tile rush full of the pieces you DON'T want, and I don't have a killer reason why the game is so good- it just is. Simply put, it's incredibly fun, addictive, and it holds up well to this day, despite the fact that this is the only game on the list to not come out with a "new" version, despite being ported to every system of its time. I also don't know why a new edition hasn't come out since its inception, but Atari needs to get on that soon. If you happen to come across this game, PLAY IT IMMEDIATELY.

Agree? Disagree? Did I miss something? Let me know in the Comments section below- I'd love to hear from you!

Mortal Kombat- Pure Genius

Mortal Kombat just got a whole lot more badass. Freddy Kreuger- yes THAT Freddy Kreuger, will soon be making his Outworld Tournament debut as a downloadable character. Take a look at the video below to see what the crown prince of Elm Street has in store for the other kombatants.



I'm so happy that the good people behind Mortal Kombat did this- I'm just wondering what took them so long. Mortal Kombat is a gory, no holds barred type of game that can scare the living crap out of 5 year olds and impressionable adults alike. That being said, wouldn't horror movie villains be the perfect characters to add to a game like this? The DC crossover seemed like a decent idea at the time...until we found out that none of the heroes would be programmed to brutally murder their opponents. Lame. The movie killers are primed for some incredibly inventive fatalities- I mean, who could forget this?

I'd love to see other movie killers make their way into this game. Maybe not so much Norman Bates (although he could replace Noob Saibot with the whole shadow thing), but the guy from Scream, the Texas Chainsaw Killer, or even Chucky.Of course, I wouldn't say any of this if it didn't lead up to Jason. I would love to see the REAL Freddy Vs. Jason happen in this game, but regardless of what happens, adding Freddy to Mortal Kombat was a great great move.

Fruit Ninja FX Review

Off the top of my head, the only other game I play that has the "just one more time" addictiveness of Angry Birds is Fruit Ninja. It's easy to play, but tough to master. You slice fruit that pops up on your touch screen all while trying to avoid bombs that are thrown in there for good measure. So imagine my joy when my cousin and I went to the arcade, and saw a Fruit Ninja game standing right near the entrance.

Fruit Ninja FX, as it has been named, takes the sixty second Arcade mode from the smartphone/tablet game, and actually puts it in the arcade as a redemption game (a game played for tickets), much to my initial pleasure.The game looks great on what appears to be a 30 or so inch monitor. It looks and plays like the original game, with one glaring problem: the touch screen is crap.





Now don't get me wrong- it could have been dirty or it may have needed to be recalibrated. But I can't imagine that either of those is the problem; the touch screen registered my swipes late and messed up my score. In a game like Fruit Ninja that requires players to be precise, that is a big flaw. I'm no pricing expert when it comes to touch screens, but a capacative touch screen with a durable shell shouldn't cost all that much to manufacture.

The game is meant for kids, and as such, most won't even care. But for some reason, I do, and because of the screen fault, I can only give Fruit Ninja FX a 6.5 out of 10.

Sent from my Windows Phone

PSP Vita: Is It Dead on Arrival?

The PSP's successor, the Playstation Vita, was announced this past January with a lot of fanfare. Many sites were cautiously optimistic to be downright excited about the new system- after all, the PSP turned six years old in March, and a subsequent upgrade was long overdue considering that time span.

First off, I am the owner of a PSPgo. I started as a proud owner, then a still kinda happy owner, and now it's just "meh". Here's why:

• There was little to no synergy between the PS3 and the PSP go
• No Trophy support
• 16 GB can't store that many PSP games
• System apps included in updates were either stupid or had a non-user friendly installation process
• The PSP Store had an underwhelming library, and the games in that library were way too expensive

For $250, the least the PSPgo could have given me was a better UI, more memory, and a couple of free games to compensate for having to get rid of my entire library of tangible games.

But enough about the PSPgo; let's move on to this generation's issues. The Sony Xperia Play, the PSP Phone that Sony addicts have been clamoring for over the past 3 years, made an underwhelming debut. Sure, it plays PSP games over an Android base, but reviews have cited it as too awkward and an overall "lacking" device. And because it's basically a PSPgo/Android phone, it comes with the issues outlined above that plague the PSPgo.

Sure, the PS Vita looks pretty awesome; it has a touch screen, dual analog sticks, and improved graphics; but is that enough to take back market share? Personally, I don't think so, and I'll tell you why.

1. It's a dedicated gaming device
Sorry Sony and Nintendo; your systems are slowly becoming less relevant. Gaming devices can't just be gaming devices; they have to be phones, office suites, music players and more, all wrapped up in a sleek little package that can beam 4G. The Vita is coming into a market where all-in-one devices rule. They're smaller, sleeker, and faster. Microsoft's Windows Phone 7 may be working out a few kinks, but it complements my Xbox 360- not to mention I can pull up Office documents on it or play Xbox Live games and inflate my gamerscore on the road.

2. Sony overcharges for their games.
Prime example: Angry Birds on the iPhone? Just under a buck. On the PSP? $4.99. That's a 400 percent markup on a game you can download on virtually any other device for less. EA has created- iPad specific versions of their better games, and the most I've paid was $6 for Madden '10. Even at full price, it would have only cost me ten bucks. On the PSP Store, Madden '11 and '10 were both $40. Sony has shown that it wants to continue charging a premium price, and in today's marketplace where you can get the same product for less on a different medium, they can't afford to do that.

This time around, Sony has to make a conscious effort to keep their games competitively priced; if that means that they have to charge $20 or $30 for Madden on the NGP, then so be it. Back in 2004, 2K Sports, then still making NFL games, charged $20 for a new copy of NFL 2K5, while EA Sports still charged $50 for Madden 2005. 2K Sports may have cut their profits, but they definitely increased sales, exposure, and market share- let's not even mention that those games often bested Madden in innovation. If Sony wants to put a Vita in every gamer's hands, they'll have to improve pricing; maybe even imposing a $30 cap on all games would help. My iPad may have set me back a small fortune, but the apps are so cheap that it balances out.

3. Their Minis suck
Around the time they released the PSPgo, Sony also introduced Minis to their store; these were to be sub-100MB games that cost little to nothing- obviously their attempt to cash in on the App Store craze. Well, it didn't work out so well. Sony only released a few Minis a week, and most of them were highly obscure games that nobody ever heard of. On top of that, some of these Minis cost as much as $5. Listen Sony, if you're going to capitalize on Minis, only one price needs to be on your mind. NINETY NINE CENTS.

As a final nail in the coffin, Sony announced at Minis launch that Pac Man Championship Edition would be one of the flagship Minis. Guess what? They waited so long to release it that the game's successor, Pac Man Championship Edition DX, the more than worthy sequel to the original, was released to consoles before the original made it to the PSP. Sony will definitely have to do a better job here if they want to compete.

4. Nintendo is still king
Yes, I said that dedicated portable gaming systems were becoming less relevant, but that doesn't mean that Sony still isn't a big seller. The DS was crushing the PSP even when the PSP was in its prime. The DS is seen a much more accessible device for all demographics, while the PSP is only aimed at serious gamers. Guess who wins that battle every time? That's why Microsoft began repositioning the Xbox 360 a few years back as a family device that is living room worthy, and that's a decision that has paid off really well for them.

Bottom Line:
Sony is releasing the Vita in the 4th Quarter (i.e. holiday season) of 2011, but if I were them, I would have pushed the launch up to August or September; the PSP product, for the most part, has been out of the public eye, and Sony just recently annunced that they were no longer manufacturing the PSPgo in all but a few countries. They need a clean break from the first generation system for now, and positioning the new system and building it's hype for the holiday season is what they need. Otherwise, we could see Sony exiting the handheld game a lot sooner than planned.

5 Things The Xbox 360 Can Still Do Better

Let me just say this: I love my Xbox 360. Between playing games, catching up with my teams on ESPN, or watching movies on Netflix, it is a major asset to my meager dorm room. But still, I feel that the system could do better. With a major console makeover last summer, and the introduction of Kinect last holiday season, the Xbox is looking to make the transition from the grimy gamer basement to each and every living room in the country. Although they've come a long way since the console's debut in 2005, I still think that there are 5 things that the console can add to really displace the PS3 and Wii.

1. Better Facebook/Twitter Integration

So with the advent of the new Xbox 360 user interface (dubbed NXE) in November of 2008, Microsoft slowly began introducing apps to Xbox users. Facebook and Twitter came in together, and aren't bad. The problem? Well, they're not all that useful. Nothing about the apps stand out, and with my smartphone at hand at all times, there's really no reason for me to exit a game or movie just to post something to either site. Microsoft should look into possibly adding a feature to the mini menu (the one that shows up when you press the Xbox logo on your controller) that would allow people to post achievements, status updates, tweets, and more without having to ever leave their current program. It could also end up driving sales of their keyboard attachment.

2. Skype on Kinect

This one, in my opinion, could be big. Adding value to the already awesome Kinect by being able to video chat on the world's most used video chat software? Killer. Some say that it won't happen because Microsoft has already released Video Kinect, which is compatible with Windows Live Chat. But honestly, who uses IM software to video chat anymore? Seriously, when's the last time you've opened up a chat box not located in Skype or Facebook? I'll watch the clock.

EDIT 5/10/2011: Microsoft has bought Skype for $8.5 billion.

3. Add My Media Easier

Honestly, playing music on my Xbox is a pain in the ass. I have to do one of four things:

1. Pair my Xbox with Windows Media Center on my laptop

2. Burn music CDs and then rip them on my Xbox

3. Purchase a Zune Pass

4. Plug my Mp3 player into my Xbox and hope to god it can read my music

The first isn't too bad if you're on a secure network...but I still can't be in my game at the same time. The second requires too much work, as that means I have to add songs only 15 or so at a time....and if the album information isn't copied over to the Xbox perfectly, then I have to painstakingly type everything in manually. The third is just an unneeded expense, unless you're such a music fan to spend $15 monthly- I guess I can't talk though- I do pay $10 a month to have Netflix. The fourth isn't great either, since I have to navigate folders, and I can only play music one folder at a time. Since most music players separate songs into folders by artist, I'm basically screwed. Either way, I should be able to plug in a jumpdrive and add all my music like that- or at least allow me to transfer my music over through Windows Media Center. If I have a 250 GB hard drive, I'd like to use it for something other than game installs and dust-catching demos.

4. Live Tiles

I like the Xbox's "Cover Flow" interface, but I also like the tile interface seen on the Kinect version of the UI- I think that the latter could make live tiles possible. For those of you who don't know, live tiles are program icons that change as the news changes. For example, instead of going into my Weather Channel app on my Windows Phone, the live tile tells me it's 68 degrees and sunny; if I want more information, I just go into my app. The ESPN app would be an obvious choice to convert to a live tile app, as are The Weather Channel, Facebook, Twitter. This opens the door for even more, like a gamerscore tile that scrolls through recently played games and achievements, or a news app. Live tiles would give the user all the information they want without entering and exiting multiple programs.

EDIT 6/6/2011: Microsoft has announced that the Metro UI found on Windows Phones will now carry over to the new Xbox 360 user interface. Nice.

5. More Community Games

Xbox had  a big hit on their hands with the free, massive multiplayer trivia game 1 vs. 100. Sadly, it was yanked last year, presumably to make room for the GSN revival (which, as of this point, will not be renewed for a second season). It was fun because it was free, had lots of players, and each game was played live, with some games entirely composed of a single subject matter, like video games or current events. Users could also send in questions to be used on "User Question" nights, where the entire stack was composed of user-submitted questions. Even more awesome was that you could win stuff while playing- the top prize (if you were the lucky 1, playing against the 100), was 10,000 Microsoft Points, and even still, high scorers not in those 101 could still pick up free Xbox games and points along the way. 1 vs. 100 really brought the Xbox Live community together, as casual and hardcore gamers enjoyed the experience. Xbox is trying to recreate the experience with their newest community (but not free) offering, Full House Poker, so it seems as though they may be on the right track.

Did I miss an addition? Is there something else you'd like to see? Post in the comments section below!

Gamer moms and dads, unite!

So the only thing my sister wanted for Christmas is a Wii. She's 32, by the way. She's married and has three kids, but that's the only thing she wants, as a present for the entire family. So my mom bought the Wii, and I bought another controller to go with it- after all, it makes packaging a lot easier than buying gifts for five people.

My sister grew up in the age of the NES (That's the Nintendo Entertainment System, for the lesser educated out there) and her Wii is coming prepackaged with New Super Mario Bros- the awesome platformer released by Nintendo earlier this year. It was then that I realized that gamers who grew up in the 80s and 90s are now having their own families and watching a new age of kids experience video games- even moreso than the parents. So how can companies still produce crap games?

Sure, we know that Barbie, Transformers, every cartoon movie, and whatever other cartoons kids watch nowadays are going to convert their popularity into video game form. But is it still okay for those companies to produce terrible games, especially when we as present and future gamer parents know how bad some of these games are? Well, I used to think it was a ripoff, but actually, it's probably okay.

Using emulators to play some of the games that I grew up with showed me how different I perceive those games now. Most of them weren't too bad, but they were pretty repetitive. But then again, the things I look for in a game now aren't the things I looked for then. Graphics, gameplay, and control scheme aren't exactly factors that a ten year old looks for- if the box art is awesome, then we'll get our parents to pony up fifty bucks to buy the game, regardless of how bad it might be- and we played those games until the cartridges were worn out.

Writing this post reminds me of the difference in the way parents and children perceive other things like toys, movies, and even breakfast cereal. Parents make choices based on sensibility, while kids make their choices based on the way the box looks or by what they've seen on TV. Even if parents think they know what's best, that choice is usually wrong in the child's eyes because, after all, parents are uncool. Will Smith, Brad Pitt, and Morgan Freeman are three of the coolest parents around, and their kids will probably think they're uncool.

Parents tend to look at prices and overall advantages of buying things, and that usually ends in them not buying everything their kids want. If I'm not a super-rich parent, I'm sure that will be my line of thinking too. I will say this though; I admit to being a 12 year old in a 23 year old's body, and If I ever have kids and they beg for some video game, I'm sure my sensibilities will fade, and all I'll see is the really really cool box it comes in.

Angry Birds Makes Me Happy

I've come to the conclusion that an iPhone user has no choice but to download Angry Birds. Sure, to some of you, this may be crazy game-loving Jeremy stuffing more content down your throat, but believe me on this one- you will thank me later.

At 99 cents, Angry Birds doesn't require you to make a huge financial decision, yet it comes jam packed with content which the developer, Rovio, keeps updating. All in all, the game touts 195 levels and counting, and let me tell you, conquering them is no easy task.

Here's the very odd plot: A group of birds are watching over a set of unhatched eggs. The birds are so protective that the second a mosquito lands on one, the birds then proceed to give him a mob-style beating. While this beating is going on, a set of pigs nearby are eating grass. Seemingly unsatisfied with their meal, the pigs spot the eggs and decide that the eggs would make a better meal. So they steal the eggs and the birds, horrified that they let such a thing happen, become angry and vengeful. Hence, Angry Birds.

Anyways, the pigs have retreated to structures made of glass, wood, and stone in what eventually escalates to a twisted version of The Three Little Pigs.. At the start of each level, you're given a set amount of birds and a slingshot. Your job is to launch the birds at these structures and "kill" the pigs living inside them. Make no mistake, these birds are on a serious kamikaze-type mission.

The Three Little Pigs this is not.

To help you out, each bird has a different ability. The basic red bird works like a cannonball, while the yellow one thrusts itself at a high velocity. The blue bird splits into three, another acts as a boomerang, and another acts as a ticking time bomb. The structures start out easy enough, but as you gradually move through the game, things start to pick up. You may be given birds that really aren't suited to take down certain structures. The structures are made of more stone than wood or glass, and the structures themselves are more architecturally sound in that they use a lot of triangles and reinforcement so that it takes quite a bit of damage to topple them.

Make no mistake though- this game is addictive. Because a level can take you less than a minute to complete, it's easy to pick the game up and play anytime you have a couple of free minutes. Like I said, it's 99 cents, and if you have an iPad, the HD version is $5- a steeper investment, but considering the larger screen and better graphics, it's still worth it. Either way, there's a reason why this game has been a top seller since it's release, and I hope you buy it and find out why for yourself.

Cheap Army Men and Glow Sticks

Ah, the pizza arcade. The hotbed for children!s birthday parties and broken dreams. When I was a kid, I was lucky enough to have birthday parties at two of the best pizza arcades I've ever been to. That, combined with my having been to a slew of birthday parties, I've had my fair share of battles with the games at these places. In a nutshell, these places are like kiddie casinos, with kids paying money to play games of random chance and skill, winning tickets that can be traded in for worthless prizes that eventually litter the bottom of your toy box. The goodie bags you got at these parties often had more valuable stuff in them.

I, along with thousands of kids, have racked up tons of tickets. In some cases, we've saved from birthday party to birthday party, hoping that we earn enough to buy whatever the top prize was. In my youth, there was a signed Michael Jordan poster that took 20,000 tickets to buy. Soon, these places began offering Xboxes and Playstations that not only would take you 2 years worth of your parents salary to get, but by the time you had enough tickets, the Playstation 4 would be nearing the end of its life cycle.

Basically, I've had a lot of broken dreams. Simply put, if these machines took over the world, they'd screw the children first. So today, I take a look back at the games which shaped and ultimately crushed my childhood dreams of winning a large, overstuffed Marvin the Martian replica:

1: Wheel 'M In

Despite the fact that this game paid out a bunch of tickets, I HATED it. Basically, you'd shoot a coin onto this conveyor belt. It would have to land EXACTLY on one of the colored ticket strips painted on the belt, or you'd win nothing. If your coin was just a little off, the machine wouldn't cut you any slack. To make things worse, the Uncle Pennybags-meets-creepy uncle at the top of the machine would taunt you and say something like "Missed it by that much!". What an arrogant bastard.


The company has come out with a new version of the machine to swindle a new generation of ticket hunters called Wheel 'M In Extreme. It's the same game play, which, in turn, probably induces the same punch-a-hole-in-the-glass feeling deep in my gut.


2: Colorama

Colormama was made by Bromley, the same company who produced Wheel 'M In, so you know there's some sort of scam going on here. Colorama was the most thinly veiled way to bring the roulette wheel to the pizza arcade. You'd put a coin in and bet on which colored section a small bouncy ball would land in. Each colored section was a different size; the smaller the section, the more tickets it would pay out if you bet on it and won. This is probably the fairest game on my list, but that's not saying much. On top of that, when the wheel would spin, the machine would break into poetic verse, spouting "Round and round and round it goes// Where it stops, Nobody knows!" Actually, yeah, you do. You know goddamn well where it stops. Because you're a fucking machine with a twisted computer brain."

3: Progressive Skee Ball

Now don't get me wrong- I love Skee Ball- it's one of my favorite games in the arcade to this day and will probably be the first thing I buy for my future rumpus room (I just wanted to say rumpus room)! But Progressive Skee Ball is a bastard. The premise is that there's a bank of Skee Ball machines, all connected to this one ticket jackpot. To win the jackpot, you have to hit a really high target score (which is usually damn near a perfect game). Every few unsuccessful jackpot attempts raises the jackpot until someone hits it or the arcade shuts down for the day, at which point the jackpot resets to a paltry 200 tickets, or something like that. If this system sounds familiar, it is- it's the same one that casinos use for slot jackpots.

4: Cyclone
Alright, now everyone has played this game before. I've dropped more coin in this machine than most people ever will, and I'll tell you what- I have NEVER won the jackpot. NEVER. You see those two arches right in front of that button? The object is to stop a rotating light (seen here near the pink arches) in between your arches by hitting your button.

I hate this game. With a passion. I used to mindlessly drop tokens in this one just hoping to win. Then, once I began to see how rigged this game was, I dropped more tokens in, eventually hoping to win just to spite the machine. Yes, I said it- to spite a MACHINE. If Wheel 'M In didn't make me crazy, this game did.

5: Coin Pushers

Every pizza arcade had them, but nobody ever quite understands how they work. I'll tell you- shitty. That's how they work. You basically drop coins down a Plinko-like wall, and they work their way across a pusher. In essence, you're hoping your coin is the one that causes some of those coins on the edge to fall off. You win those coins that fall off (and in the case of cheaper arcades, you get a couple tickets for each coin instead. Unfortunately, no matter the theme of the machine- whether it's outer space themed, music themed, or even Price is Right themed (yep, there's one of those), you never win a goddamned thing. Only one of every 60 million people has lived to tell their happy ending with these gold coin stealing whores.

6: Any Kiddie Machines

Technically, all of the machines on my list are kiddie machines, but I mean the ones that are for the kids who are too young to ever know what they hell they're doing. The smaller basketball machines with a 2 foot hoop, the Bozo Buckets machine, and a couple others fit this category. If you were 10 or 11, you thought you found a way to cheat these machines- you'd rack your score up to like 58,000 and you got rewarded with a paltry 7 tickets, since that's the ceiling that the operators set for it. Dejected, you went back to playing big kid machines, since the effort definitely wasn't worth the reward.


So, after winning Army men with faulty parachutes, half opened Warhead candies, the occasional Whoopie Cushion, and a few temporary tattoos, I can't say I didn't have a good time. But I would have been a lot happier with a bunch of stuff that ultimately, would have been cheaper had I bought it at retail price.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Chiptune Masterpiece Theatre

There's one game that I've been wanting to buy for a while: Scott Pilgrim vs. The World. It's a River City Ransom-esque game where, as Scott Pilgrim, you work your way through the evil exes of your love interest, Ramona Flowers. It's gotten great reviews, and it's got online multiplayer, which is always a big plus for games like this. But what caught my eye most on IGN was this part of the review, where they discussed the music:

"All of this goes down while listening to a brand-spanking new soundtrack from chiptune band Anamanaguchi. The music alone is worth the price -- seriously, this has got to be one of the best game soundtracks I've ever heard. It fits so perfectly, but stands strong on its own. You'll love it. And if you don't, frankly, you don't deserve this game."

Now I'm a BIG fan of chiptune music. I'm also a big fan of quality video game music. Apparently the way to a man's heart is through his stomach, but a well placed chiptune mixtape will suffice in my case. I love the music from the Megaman series and just about any soundtrack from the Super NES catalog (Pilotwings, anyone?). Anyways, what this means is that I had to check out the Scott Pilgrim soundtrack, even if I didn't buy the game.

Anamanaguchi, by the way, is a chiptune band. You hear normal rock band instruments in their arrangements, but the lead is almost always in 8 bit. To say the least, I wasn't disappointed at all.

The music sounds like it comes straight out of some NES/Super NES hybrid, which is a great thing. Boss themes are hard and driving, and most stage music is peppy and theme-appropriate. After a few listens, it became my favorite soundtrack in my music library. Because there's no lyrics, I use it as a study and workout aide- there's always a song in there to keep me going. By the way, if you haven't checked out the Anamanaguchi catalog, I suggest you do. They have a lot of great stuff.

Top 5 Songs on the Album:
2.   Another Winter
8.   Cheap Shop
11. Bollywood
19. Party Stronger
23. Just Like In The Movies