I went out to Downtown Springfield with five friends a couple weeks ago, and after grabbing a couple beers at this pretty chill spot, one of them (my roommate) went off with another girl. The rest of us went to this bar/club called Catch 22.

Let me tell you something about Catch 22: it really does live up to its name; no matter what you do, you're bound to get fucked while you're there. If it's not the lack of good looking girls, it's the drink prices. If it's not the drink prices, it's the fact that the floors are stickier than the ones at the peep show. If it's not the sticky floors, it's the abundance of belligerent customers who fight and/or get kicked out.

So, after paying a $5 cover charge, I entered the club hesitantly. Another of our six had been there for a while already and was in her happy zone drink-wise. She was already out on the dance floor with someone else. So there are three guys, including me, and one other girl left at this point. She asks if we want to dance. And give up this couch that 20,000 other people at this club are waiting to get on? No thank you. I'll enjoy the view from the couch.

But since the other two guys went out there, I was screwed; I either had to go out there or sit on the couch like the loser who got left behind. So I went out there. Let me just say this; 1 girl, two straight guys, and a gay guy standing in an awkward circle while everyone around them is dancing is not an enviable position to be in.

After two beers and the most awkward dance circle I've seen in a long time, I drove home. Hopefully this is not a sign of things to come on St. Patrick's Day. Oh well. At least there was a hot dog truck outside the bar to feed the drunk, hungry masses.

Cheers!

Dumbing Us Down in 30 Second Intervals

I am a proud man. I stand by my fellow man when he is wronged, and justice must be served. Now women do have a lot of double standards to work through, but there is one that they never mention: Women who bond against men are seen as strong, independent, and brave. Men who bond against women are seen as chauvinist pigs. I like women...a lot....but I'll risk looking like a chauvinist if it means standing up for what I feel is wrong. If you read my title, you may be able to infer what I'm going to go after here.

Yep, it's those damn TV commercials that make men look like complete idiots.

I'm sure some women will read this and day to themselves "But men are stupid!". Hold the phone. We may do some things that make us SEEM stupid, but we are far from it. Moreover, all women aren't that clever.

And these ads are EVERYWHERE. According to these ads, women are flawlessly outfoxing, manipulating, and outthinking their husbands, boyfriends, brothers, and potential suitors. Not only that, but where do they find the men for these commercials? Most of these guys are greasy, overweight, bumbling fools who probably are pretty dumb in real life. Not once have I seen a commercial where men turn the tables on women.

Sure, I understand that companies want to appeal to women, as they are more active consumers than men. But do we have to appeal to women at the expense of making our gender look like imbeciles? Does it take that level of coddling and compliment-fishing to make women choose one brand over another?

Here are some of my favorite examples- one DiGiorno pizza commercial has a wife questioning her husband about mud tracks on their carpet. He lies and says it was the pizza guy, but then she finds out at the end of the commercial that it was actually her husband, who left the DiGiorno box on the kitchen counter. Sure, he probably shouldn't have told the lie, but if I were going to do that, I would have destroyed the evidence first.

Another recent Sprint commercial that touts their new all-in-one unlimited 3G package starts with a guy and a girl sitting at a diner. She sends him a text right there saying she wants to break up. While she's overenthusiastic about it, he seems kinda dejected. To make matters worse, she rubs salt in his wounds by changing her Facebook relationship status, sending him an email, all with a grin on her face.  Then, to top it all off, she calls him WHILE SITTING RIGHT ACROSS FROM HIM. Not exactly subtle about the breakup, now is she? I've got a sinking feeling she'd been a cheating whore for the past couple of months anyways. That guy can do better.

There's another where the guy is tying a fan to his cat's tail to get a stagnant air freshener to spread a fragrance in their home. His wife then rolls her eyes, gives him a pitied look, and plugs in a Glade Air Freshener. I don't think any man would be dumb enough to try that, let alone be concerned about the fact that his house doesn't smell like fresh lilies.

Last, but not least, is a Domino's commercial. The husband says to his wife that the pizza will arrive in 30 minutes, comes out in a silk robe, and basically proposes a round of sex. She then says to him in a deadpan/cut-down (i.e. Leah Remini-like) way "Well, what are we gonna do with the other 28 minutes?". The only person to ever pull that line off and be funny was Mrs. Roper on Three's Company....God bless that woman.

Here's the way I see it....it's unhealthy to make new friends by making fun of old ones. Same applies here- I hate these commercials, and although they don't affect my decision making, they're not enjoyable. I'd like to laugh or be influenced to buy something when I see a commercial, and not have to go "man, that's fucked up" every 30 seconds.

I am Man, hear me roar.

Maybe That Guy Is On To Something....

Before Monday's New York Governor debates, nobody knew the name Jimmy McMillan. After the debates, it was clear that he was the star that night. McMilla, who represents the Rent is Too Damn High Party, may not have been the most well-versed of the seven candidates, but he was definitely the most entertaining- not to mention that he gained a lot of supporters since, well, the rent IS too damn high. This is especially true in New York, where a one bedroom rat-trap will cost you about $68 billion a month. And no, we're not talking about Zimbabwean dollars. Take a look-see at some of Mr. McMillan's finer points from Monday night.



EDIT: And here he is on the Sean Hannity Show just a week later:


We have a clear winner here, people. Someone get me to New York state, so I can claim citizenship there and vote for this man. He is the most entertaining politician I have EVER seen. He's going to be this generation's Mr. T- an angry black man who is more entertaining than all of TV put together, except no mohawk and gaudy jewelry. But man, does he have one bitchin' mustache. Apparently after the debate, he got 40,000 campaign donations. Well played, sir. Well played.

Gerard Butler...oh no.

Oh Gerard Butler, what has happened to thou? You starred in what many consider to be the movie that best encompasses badassery, 300, and I don't know what's happened to you since. But maybe, just maybe, there was nothing more you could have done. Let's explore this further:

This is not the face of a man who'd knowingly agree to be in chick flicks.....

When the Chicago Bulls completed their first three-peat in 1993, and Michael Jordan announced his retirement, many knew it wouldn't become a four-peat, but the Bulls still posted a VERY respectable 55 wins on the back of emerging superstar Scottie Pippen. An inevitable blow was softened. When the Bulls completed their second three peat, the doubters were right again, but this time, the 1999 Bulls only won 19 games (granted, it was a 50 game season), but it was a harder blow in 1999 than it was in 1994.

Here's how this applies to our friend Gerard Butler: we KNEW that there was no way that a movie could be more badass than 300, yet we were all still disappointed with his choice of movies afterwards. As men, we wanted him to keep making kickass movies, whether in Greece, hanging from a helicopter that's on fire, or hanging from a helicopter on fire...in Greece. But he made chick flicks like The Ugly Truth, P.S. I Love You, and Nim's Island....okay, so maybe the last one isn't classified as a chick flick, but it's close enough because guys wouldn't want to see that movie. I guess you could say that he did those movies to get paid to fool around with the likes of Katherine Heigl, Hilary Swank, and Jodie Foster (okay, so maybe not the last two), but that's like Michael Jordan playing baseball because it paid, and it made him happy as an athlete. Oh wait.....

...but this is.

Your attempts at badassery as of late have been halfhearted, at best. It's not your fault- the movie plotlines were weak. Gamer, Law Abiding Citizen, and The Bounty Hunter weren't great. They were tolerable, but not great.

Gerard Butler, 300 has given you lifetime posession of your man card. None of your movies will ever surpass your role as King Leonidas, so what you need to do is either beg for a 300 prequel, pray that it gets a cartoon iteration with you voicing the mighty King, or start doing chick flicks with hotter, single, young women. Since it's you, they don't even have to be single! You could do to some hot girl's relationship what Angelina did to Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston's relationship when she did Mr. & Mrs. Smith. Get on it, sir. Time is running out.

Best Buy: The Modern Day Mancave

So I got out of my Business Perspectives Class tonight and found myself dumbfounded. Two groups were assigned to make presentations addressing the lack of female customers in Best Buy, and what the company could do about it. There were a couple of good suggestions, such as adding a Internet cafe/coffeehouse corner to the store, and implementing some sort of computer tutorial classes in the same fashion as Apple does with the Genius Bar at their Apple Stores. However, some of the suggestions I heard were lacking. Some even made my blood boil a little. Basically, there were quite a few suggestions that turned Best Buy into NOT Best Buy.

Let's get this out of the way now before I receive a cavalcade of hate mail and a letter from Hillary Clinton; I am not a male chauvinist. However, I DO protect men where it matters, and I do strongly believe in the Bros Before Hoes Law (Check your Man Law Constitution, 2010 Edition, Article 22, Section a).

Here's the thing: when women drag their husbands, boyfriends, sons, and other significant males to the department stores, notice that these men don't exactly jump for joy when entering these stores. They know what's in store; a marathon-like afternoon where they get asked a bunch of menial questions concerning shoes, drapes, outfits, and other merchandise. They'll choose an item or make some other judgement by either mentally flipping a coin or by going all Newlywed Game on her and try to guess what she's thinking. As men in an uninteresting environment, we don't care, and all women sense that. She'll eventually go with her gut feeling, disregarding anything we may say, which, in the end, makes us useless shopping companions. That car space would have been put to better use with one of her girlfriends, and not us.

Best Buy, on the other end, is the ONE place where men can turn the tables. There's no other store in the country where such a sample of men can be found. Just as you'll only find professional men in suit stores, bikers at the Harley Davidson store, and stoners at the skate shop, Best Buy attracts all those men and more. Men of every age bracket, race, social status, marital status, and income level can be found at Best Buy. It is, as I like to refer to it, as the Public Mancave. This is the only place where you'll find men of all backgrounds HAPPILY shopping. Make changes to that, and you'll lose part of that loyal customer base.

The question we must ask first is this: Can Best Buy attract enough LOYAL female shoppers to offset the loyal male shoppers that they would lose with major changes to the store? The answer is no; Best Buy is the only public getaway for men of all ages. It's the one place where I knew my mother or girlfriend wouldn't follow me to, and I'd have free reign over my time and money.

There's still a bigger reason why Best Buy would be making a huge mistake in investing time and money into an attempt at balancing the gender ratio in their stores. Why? Because the change is slowly but surely happening already.

Over the past 10 years, there has been an organic shift in the way women view technology. More women are embracing technology than ever before; some even going as far as really digging into the specs the same way other women stare at the same pair of shoes for hours on end. Because of this change, more women are now apt to go to a place that's not only seen as an authority on technology, but also carries a large array of items. That eliminates the tech departments at Sears, Wal Mart, and Target.

If Best Buy really wants to dump money into balancing the gender ratio right now, the best way for them to do it is by renting out mall space; not necessarily renting something as big as an anchor space like Sears or Macy's, but a storefront about as big as a Gap or an Express. A few years back, Apple started opening Apple Stores in malls, and as far as I know, the change has been quite successful, especially in areas where a standalone Apple Store is not accessible. If Best Buy created a store where they only sold an array of smaller consumer electronics (phones, mp3 players, cameras), laptops, CDs, and DVDs, and video games, that could go a long way. Today's female techie won't necessarily buy a car stereo, but she will buy Season 1 of Glee on DVD and its accompanying soundtracks. Today's female techie won't spend $900 on a new TV, but she will go out right away and drop $175 on a new camera because she lost or broke her old one.



A promotional shot from a 2008 Best Buy Female Gamer Day.



I know there are female techies out there who WILL buy a quality car stereo, a $3000 TV and surround sound speakers to boot, but the majority of that EXTREMELY small population are already loyal Best Buy customers. They need to go after the ones aged 14-25, who don't have a lot of money but are willing to spend it on things that Best Buy already sells. Hit them where they hang out (the mall), and you'll blow the remnants of any remaining Sam Goody or FYE to oblivion.

For the time being, though, let us men keep our mancave. It's the last place we can drag women to make them feel as bored, useless, and infuriated as we do when we walk into a Macy's.