So the day after Thanksgiving, I went to Best Buy and looked at phones. At the time, I had a Nokia 5530, which is from Nokia's Symbian 5.0 OS series. It's a reliable, yet primitive operating system. But right now Nokia's making so much cash selling cheap cell phones in second and third world countries (and even smaller European outfits like the Netherlands) that they can still peddle a 10 year old OS and get away with it. The phones they sell in other countries went obsolete here in 2004. Even their new Symbian^3 OS, Nokia's still got a lot of work to do, especially in their shoddy App Store.

Anyways, I went to Best Buy and looked at their new Windows 7 Phones, which were less than a month old at the time. Microsoft just did a major overhaul to the Windows Phone 7 brand, and it shows a vast improvement over the Windows Phone 6.0 series. I played with the HTC Surround, and let me tell you, I was amazed at how fluid it was. This is not Windows packed into a phone- Microsoft has finally developed a living, breathing OS that can stand alone and apart from its desktop brethren. This is definitely a phone that given the right marketing and third party app support, could keep up with the iOS and Android.

The HTC Surround (left) and Samsung Focus (right) are two of the
handsets in the first generation of Windows 7 Phones.

As it was on sale, I bought an HTC Surround with a brand new service plan. Since I had been a customer with AT&T for 5 years, I didn't have to pay a security deposit, which some internet posters claim can be as much as $500 or $600. Major crisis averted.

Like I said, the phone is great. It's incredibly smooth, the apps are nimble, and it pulled all the contact info from my Facebook profile to add to my current contacts. Great.

Unlike its two contemporaries, iOS and Android, the Windows Phone uses a tile-based home screen. It minimizes having an overwhelming amount of apps, and it really does help you focus on what's most important on your phone rather than cause you to browse aimlessly. My biggest knock on iOS is that there's no dedicated home screen to summarize all of my content; it's just pages upon pages of apps; Android tries to summarize, but is too much like iOS and ends up being more cluttered; with a techie like me who tends to wander in my pages of apps, the Windows Phone keeps me focused. My lock screen notifies me of all missed calls, texts, and emails at the bottom of the screen with distinguishable, yet simple icons.

An added plus for a gamer/techie like me is that the phone is Xbox Live compatible. Certain Windows Phone games come packed with Xbox Achievement points, which add to my overall score. It's a big relief that I don't have to create a new profile and start from zero again. I can also edit my avatar, send Xbox friends messages, or buy more points on the go. Having an extension of my Xbox in my pocket is pretty sweet. Now if only I could actually connect it to my Xbox and transfer data. Sony? Take notes.

I only have two faults with the phone; the more noticeable one being that the phone's battery life is shoddy. For the first time in my life, I have to charge my phone every day. That's the one good thing about Nokia phones; their standby battery life is so good that I can forget to charge it for two or three days and still not get a low battery signal. My Blackberry was the same way. This phone? Not so much. I've heard that a lot of Android phones are the same way, and I guess if the phone is running so many different syncs and Bluetooth tethers, your battery life is bound to suffer a bit. Considering that the battery is removable, if a more power-efficient one comes along, I can easily fix this issue.

The second is the App Store. Sure, the phone is less than 4 months old, and it's got a pretty good start. But Microsoft has to make sure that programming apps for the Windows Phone isn't a complicated process. They've also got to have as many third party developers on board as possible. Apps with partners like Capcom, EA, social networking companies and popular websites are what will make or break this phone. Better third party developers leads to more quality apps.

Overall though, this phone is a great start by Microsoft. A major update is coming this quarter which will add many new features to the phone; but even without the update, the Windows Phone 7 is definitely a solid start by a company who has a lot of ground to make up.

A Late Bloomer To The Automotive Game

So....I bought a new car this week. Hallelujah.

Merry Christmas to me indeed.

It's especially special for me, because this is my first car. It's a 2010 Corolla, and it is pretty awesome.

Let me share something with you: I went to Alcorn State University, which is in Lorman, Mississippi. It's famous for graduates like Steve McNair, Alex Haley, Medgar Evers, and Leslie Frazier, the interim head coach of the Minnesota Vikings.

Alcorn State, for all intents and purposes, is in the middle of nowhere.

Have you ever seen one of those films where there's a jail in the middle of nowhere? The type where there's one long narrow road in, one long, narrow road out? Replace the jail with a school, and that's Alcorn State. The nearest sign of civilization, Port Gibson, was 20 minutes away, and Vicksburg, the town with the nearest Wal Mart, was 45 minutes away. For four years, I was basically stranded. My biggest advice to new freshmen, was to always have a friend with a car; it was that important.

Now as a grad student at the University of Illinois at Springfield, I have a Wal Mart just 3 minutes away from campus. However, I've been taking the bus to work up until now.I'm pretty stoked about the new ride- one more thing I can cross off of the "Things I Need" list.

I'm a late bloomer socially. I went through my "teenage" phase in college, have never really had a serious girlfriend, and haven't even had a crap car like most 17 year olds do. I have to say though, this is definitely a step in the right direction.

Where Have I Been? Well, Where Have YOU Been?

I know, I know. I haven't really posted much in the past three weeks- it's been crunch time for finals, so this has had to take a backseat to that. I'll be back and posting in the next few days, hopefully, with some pretty interesting stories, including the honest hobo who begged for change and told me he was going to spend it on liquor. Gotta love American values.

Anyhoo, I'll see you all in a bit. Now if you'll excuse me, I've got some heavy duty invoicing to complete.

The Three Towers of Trivia, December 10

Here is my final set of questions this season on The Three Towers of Trivia...I may post from the backlog over our break, but fresh new questions won't be coming out of the oven for four weeks. Anyhoo, this is one of the tougher sets I've written, so have your way with it.

There are TWELVE questions in this set, and for good reason...every correct answer in this set is a twelve letter word. Keep that in mind as you answer.

GOOD LUCK!

1. Kentucky, Massachusetts, Pennsylvania, and Virginia are all designated as what type of community, meaning that they have a government based on the consent of the people?

2. What 1818 novel carried the subtitle "The Modern Prometheus"?

3. Made from a base of sugar, water, and softened gelatin, what sweet treats were once used as a remedy for sore throats?

4. If you're having probems with your colon, what type of doctor would you have to see?

5. What extreme sport has been contested at the Olympic Games since 1998?

6. Since it can be pinned to no specific value, what term does Merriam Webster define as "immeasurably wealthy people"?

7. What adjective describes Edison's electric bulb, successfully tested in October 1879?

8. I.M. Pei and Mies van der Rohe were widely known for wheir work in what field?

9. Used for the production of certain metals and their resistance to corrosion, what process is also used to permanently remove human hair?

10. If you're being gurded by a player from the Washington Generals, what are you?

11. Beluga whales use what system where their reflected sounds help them to gauge distances?

12. What type of college class are you normally required to take and pass before you can enroll in a more advanced one?

ANSWERS:
1. Commonwealth
2. Frankenstein
3. Marshmallows
4. Proctologist
5. Snowboarding
6. Zillionaires
7. Incandescent
8. Architecture
9. Electrolysis
10.Globetrotter
11. Echolocation
12. Prerequisite

The Three Towers of Trivia, December 8

Hi all. Well, the playoff are underway, and we decided to so something a little different. While Kevin posted his "chain" round, where one answer finishes the next question, I have a new round called "Dead or Canadian?".

I took the name from the round of the same name on the TV game show, Remote Control. They gave a name, and players had to identify them as Dead, Canadian, or both.

My round is not just people, though. I take interesting pairs, and try to see if you can identify which group each item belongs in- so it's more like Dis or Dat from You Don't Know Jack, or the board game Split Decision.

Anyhoo, here are 9 pairs for you- see if you can guess what goes where!

Buzzbee- Cereal Mascot or Social Networking Site?

Bladdernut- Medical Condition or Type of Tree?

King Randor- Power Rangers villain or He-Man ally?

Billy Mays- Dead or Canadian...or both?

The Great Giana Sisters- Porno or Video Game?

Jazzberry Jam- Ben & Jerry's Ice Cream Flavor or Crayola Crayon color?

Mayfair- Federal Prison or UK Monopoly Propoerty?

Anthony Eden- Celebrity Chef or UK Prime Minister?

Hokkaido- Japanese dog or Japanese delicacy...or both?

WWE's "Supposed" 50 Greatest Wrestlers of All Time

What the hell, WWE? Seriously, this is your list? For those of you who don't know, WWE is putting out a 3 disc set of their 50 greatest wrestlers of all time.

If I put out a list like this, I consider a few different things, since you can't take just the wrestling into consideration:

1- Wrestling ability

2- Mic work/ ability to get over with the fans

3- Overall contribution to pro wrestling, in general

It seems that the WWE has taken my third point and turned it into "people who haven't screwed or left WWE for another company". Cases in point? Take a look at the list:

(1) Shawn Michaels
(2) The Undertaker
(3) “Stone Cold” Steve Austin
(4) Bret Hart
(5) The Rock
(6) Harley Race
(7) Ricky Steamboat
(8) Andre the Giant
(9) Rey Mysterio
(10) “Rowdy” Roddy Piper

(11) Eddie Guerrero
(12) Triple H
(13) Gorgeous George
(14) “Macho Man” Randy Savage
(15) “Mr. Perfect” Curt Hennig
(16) John Cena
(17a) Dusty Rhodes
(17b) Ric Flair
(19) Edge
(20) Jerry “The King” Lawler

(21) Lou Thesz
(22) Terry Funk
(23) Hulk Hogan
(24) Bruno Sammartino
(25) Chris Jericho
(26) Ted DiBiase
(27) Fabulous Moolah
(28) Classy Freddie Blassie
(29) Randy Orton
(30) Pat Patterson

(31) The Iron Sheik
(32) Jimmy Snuka
(33) Mick Foley
(34) Kurt Angle
(35) Buddy Rogers
(36) Gorilla Monsoon
(37) Junkyard Dog
(38) “Superstar” Billy Graham
(39) Jake “The Snake” Roberts
(40) Big Show

(41) Jack Brisco
(42) Sgt. Slaughter
(43) Kane
(44) Nick Bockwinkel
(45) Jeff Hardy
(46) Dory Funk Jr.
(47) Bob Backlund
(48) Rick Rude
(49) Batista
(50) Killer Kowalski

My Notes:

1. Hulk Hogan BARELY made the top half at 23. Sure, Hogan is a no-sell, tired gimmick douchebag. But Hogan was not just a big part of keeping WWE and wrestling relevant in the 80s, his work with the NWO almost put WWE out of business in the 90s.

2. Shawn Michaels is #1? Sorry Mr. Wrestlemania. If I'm taking into account EVERY wrestler for this list, you barely make my Top 10...I can easily put Austin, Rock, Bret Hart, Flair, Hogan, DiBiase and Taker ahead of you. WWE must have made this list on HBK's retirement high. Sure, his last two Wrestlemania matches are arguably 2 of his top 3 matches EVER, but I don't think he's better than the other 49 guys on this list.

3. Mysterio's #9. Rey, I love you, but your wrestling, especially against 300-400 pound guys, is nowhere near believable, nor have your finishers ever made me go "ooh, that probably could really hurt in real life". You weigh a buck sixty wet. Sure, it could be that the WWE wants wrestling style diversity on this list, but this screams of "lure the Hispanic viewers into buying our stuff" more than anything else. If that's the real truth, WWE should be ashamed.

4. Read my lips- Kurt Angle (34) was one of the top four wrestlers of the ENTIRE 2000s, along with Austin, The Rock, and Triple H. He was probably the most complete package of that entire era. Even with all of these great wrestlers, he's still deserving of the top half of this list, at the very least.

5. Worst of all, and the most outright snub, is that you have Ric Flair and Dusty Rhodes SHARING #17. Flair should be Top 10, hands down. Not only do you bump him spots, but you make him share? That's just outright indignance on the WWE's end.

WWE, I know that it must feel shitty to have wrestlers go work for other promotions. But this is like a girl breaking up with a picture of her boyfriend after he already dumped her. It's petty, it's shameful, and it's a slap in the face to all those who worked their asses off for the business, not just WWE.

Add people, comments or whatever. I've said my piece for now.

The Three Towers of Trivia, November 30th

Today's the last day of November, so let's end it by doing something a little bit different!

I'll give you a movie's year, the character's real name, and the actor who portrayed him or her- you give me the character's better known name or nickname. You'll get bonus points in my book if you can name three of the movies, and an air high five if you can name all 5 movies.

1978, John Blutarsky, played by John Belushi
1986, Pete Mitchell, played by Tom Cruise
1991, Jame Gumb, played by Ted Levine
2003, James P. Sullivan, played by John Goodman
2009, Claireece P. Jones, played by Gabourey Sidibe

Oh, and by the way, I'm giving away a $35 gift card on my blog, and today's the last day to enter! Click HERE for your chance to win!

ANSWERS:
Bluto, Animal House
Maverick, Top Gun
Buffalo Bill, The Silence of the Lambs
Sully, Monster's Inc
Precious, Precious

Twelve iPad Apps for Young Professionals

It seems that over the years, gadgets get smaller, faster and more efficient. Just 15 years ago, people had big, clunky computers running Windows 95 (and even then, we thought those computers were small). Now, gadgets like the iPad are small, nimble, and pack more features than ever- not to mention that they're affordable. If you're young (like me) and are a professional (like me) and own an iPad (like me), then here are 12 apps that will help you streamline your workload, your class work, and your personal life.

1. iWork, $9.99 per app

iWork may be on the expensive end of the office suite spectrum in the App Store, but let me tell you- you get what you pay for. Apple has put together a robust, effective trio of software options for the iPad. The best part? You can buy all three apps separately at $9.99 a pop. Keynote is the best of the three, as putting together presentations on the fly is simple and fun. Pages and Numbers are great as well, and they serve their purpose. All three can import and export documents as iWork files or Microsoft Office files. My only complaint is that iWork uses a limited number of fonts, so not all documents translate well.

2. Bento, $4.99

Bento, to put it best, is a database app. That means that tasks like billing, inventory tracking, and other information strongholds can be stored here. If you have the Bento program for your Mac, you can sync data between the two.

3. Zillow, FREE

Are you a young professional looking to relocate? Tired of your dorm, that crappy apartment, or even your city? Check out Zillow. You can set parameters for what type of housing you're looking for, how much you like to pay, and Presto! Zillow pinpoints all your search results on its map, complete with address, pictures, and the realtor's contact information. Even if you're looking for a full fledged home, Zillow tracks not just homes on the market, but homes that aren't but have a "Make Me Move" classification as well. Highly recommended.

 4. Linked in, FREE

Linked in is actually an iPhone app, but since all iPhone apps are compatible with the iPad and the screen size can be magnified, I'm counting it in this list anyways. It does all the basic features that you can do on the website, and that's all you'll need- after all Farmville and your professional life should never meet...unless....you work for the company that created Farmville.

5a. Pulse News Reader, FREE

The best customizable news reader on the iPad, hands down. For the longest time, I used Flipboard, which is also pretty awesome. My biggest gripe with Flipboard, however, was that it wouldn't allow me to import blog feeds. Pulse allows me to import blogs, tweets, Facebook pages, and full fledged websites (Pulse finds the RSS feed). This is the only third party app in my dock, and for good reason.

5b. Flipboard, FREE

UPDATE: Flipboard was named the iPad App of The Year for 2010, and for good reason. I blasted Flipboard in my blurb about Pulse, the app directly above this one, but a major update to Flipboard added blog/RSS capabilities, as well as a slew of other improvements that really make this app the quintessential digital magazine. This should probably be the first app you download when you receive your iPad, but if you're not into the magazine style, try Pulse. 

6. Skype, FREE

Here's another iPhone size-doubled app. Okay, so you may not have video. But you still have free Skype-to Skype voice and IM chatting. In addition, most Bluetooth headsets are compatible, so this app is still versatile. In addition, you can make calls to any phone line for merely $2.95 a month. With multitasking causing Skype to update its app to be iOS 4.2 compliant, you can keep it running in the background while you work, and it will notify you when a call comes in. In addition, Skype has added video functionality for those who use the app on an iPhone/iPod Touch. With cameras being added to the second generation iPad, this app will increase the value of the iPad to not only the casual users, but also to the corporate world.

7. USA Today, FREE

USA Today is the canned comedy routine to Pulse's Second City improv. While there's no customization of USA Today other than the weather settings, there's still a lot to like here. The layout is superb, and a free app that sends you national headlines straight from the paper itself every morning is a nice change from the overpriced Wall Street Journal.. Last month, I stayed at a hotel that left free USA Today papers at the doors of all guests. I fingered through the paper, and at the very least, all of the headline stories were already on my iPad version. They weren't shortened "free versions" they didn't require a subscription to read, and I got all of the same pictures, except mine were crisper. The app also includes the daily USA Today crossword puzzle-what more could I ask for?

8. Kayak, FREE

In the past year, Kayak has gotten a lot of publicity, and rightly so- they're trying to compete with the more established Expedia and Travelocity- no small feat. In essence, they're no different than either of those two sites...except in the app department. Looking at the screenshot above is a good representation of how to describe the app- it's informative. You've got a small search box, a map, a list of previous searches, and a hotel slider to the right with options for your destination city. The cherry on top is the Explore feature- it allows travelers to broaden their horizons. Say you want to travel over the summer, but you don't know when. Just set your parameters to June-August, then select your preferred activities, price, and temperature, and Kayak fetches the lowest flight for every qualifying city. Most excellent.

9. Blackboard, FREE

Most college students have to use Blackboard at one point or another, so it's nice to know you can have it at your fingertips. Blackboard is a college file-sharing program that allows teachers to post announcements, class materials and grades. Not much else to this app, but it gets the job done when you're trying to use your iPad as a super-student assistant.

10. Dropbox, FREE

Dropbox, a file sharing app, is a great way to store important files online that you;ll need access too elsewhere. The great part is that you can add users to your dropbox, effectively creating the perfect collaborative software. You can upload your part of the proposal, while Mike and Sue can download it from their end and add their parts and re-upload. It's like having a download base without needing a website!

11. iStudiez Pro, $1.99

the iPad may have the iCal app, but it can't track your school assignments and their respective grades, now can it? iStudiez has an assignment tracker, notification when they're almost due, and you can personalize the grading scale (Sure, Mom! Of course a sixty percent is an A minus!), since every school varies. It may not be totally necessary, but for two bucks, it's a nice addition to your home page.

12. CourseSmart, FREE

Textbooks are way too expensive, not to mention that you don't hold on to half of them after the end of the semester anyway. CourseSmart is here to remedy that. For 180 days, you can rent an e-textbook and use it to your heart's content. The app allows you to highlight, take annotations, and much more. Even better is that most textbooks normally cost between $60 and $85. Since a new textbook normally costs $200 and you sell it back for around $100, you still lose $100. So why not save a little more for you Broke College Student Fund?

If you were to download every app on this list, you could have a professionally stocked iPad for about $40, and that's not a bad deal. Most of the financial weight comes from the iWork suite, and not everyone will download the whole trio of apps. If I missed an app that you think is worthy of this list, or if you think an app on this list isn't so great, add a comment to the post!

SPECIAL: READER GIVEAWAY!

Hey all! Well, it seems SOMEONE has been reading my blog...and because of that, one of you readers will actually benefit from it!

CSN is an online shopper's dream- it's comprised of more than 200 online stores that contain a smorgasbord of merchandise! You can buy a bevy of cookware to make your holiday dinner just perfect, or a suitcase if you're one of those "out of town" types that can't get away fast enough. Regardless of your holiday social preferences, you can also buy toys, bedding, power tools, and even shoes- these people have got you covered!

How does this benefit you? Well, the good people over at CSN Stores have been kind enough to supply me with a $35 gift certificate to help you get your holiday shopping started on the right foot! The best part? You don't have to buy anything from me first! You'll gain an entry in the drawing every time you make a comment on this blog entry- only post once a day. The last day for you to enter will be on November 30th, which means you can get up to NINE entries in the drawing! On December 1st, I'll draw the winner by random number generator. For example, if there are 300 posts, I'll set the generator for a number between 1 and 300. If 246 comes up, the person with post #246 wins the contest.

So post early, and post often to get a $35 head start on your holiday shopping! Don't forget to shop at http://www.csnstores.com/ for tons of great deals!

Thanksgiving Preview Spectacular: Super Sloppy Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving is the time to be with your family and loved ones. But what if your family has some deep-seated hostility towards one another? As some of you know, I'm a big game show fan. So when this showed up on Collegehumor.com during the 2006 Thanksgiving season, it became one of my all-time favorite videos on the site. I don't want to ruin it for you, but I will say that this is probably what the holidays are like for people who lose on Family Feud.

See more funny videos and funny pictures at CollegeHumor.

Thanksgiving Preview Spectacular: SNL and Guy Fieri

From now until Thanksgiving, I'll be making entries that will get you ready for the glutton-fest. First up is something that happened on SNL just last night- a spot on impersonation of Guy Fieri. Fieri is played by Bobby Moynihan, an SNL player who was promoted to series regular for this season. If he keeps doing sketches that are this funny, he'll become one of my favorites really quickly.

Failure is an option...isn't it?

So I still have yet to get a grade lower than a C on any of my assignments in grad school. Most of the time, my motivation for studying is to learn the material and do better in my classes. But every now and then, there's that class or two where you go the extra mile just to keep above water. Face it- every college student goes through it. Usually, this situation comes about when there's a class that you HAVE to take, rather than a tough elective. Whether your class was a requirement or an elective, remember this quote from Michael Jordan:

"I can accept failure, everyone fails at something. But I can't accept not trying."

You're in college! Push yourself to the limit academically! Even if you fail and are forced to drop a class, you will have gained new knowledge, new friends, new contacts, and a new appreciation for a subject you may not have known about. Furthermore, failure can help you decide how much you love your major and may help you reevaluate whether or not you want to change your major. I was a communications major, and no matter how low I may have gotten in some of my classes, I still loved what I did- that's how I knew I was in the right field; even when they're getting hit, boxers still get up and work harder to keep fighting. Even when a doctor can't find a cure, he goes right back to the drawing board to figure out the problem. Love for your profession is a powerful thing; even when you fail, you still succeed. So learn from your failures! Seize the day!

The 2010 McRib Reunion Tour

Ladies and gentlemen, pandemonium has come about America that has not been seen since the Beatles made their way across the pond. That can mean only one thing.

The McRib has returned.

For about a month each year, the McRib re-graces the menu at McDonald's. The sandwich started as a Midwestern test item in the early 80s, only to go national and be discontinued in 1985. Currently, Germany is the only country that sells the McRib year round. It was brought back as a promotional item in 1994, but it turns out that diners craved the McRib. So McDonald's made it a yearly tradition. Thus, the legend of the McRib was born.

Let me make this clear: I have NEVER had a McRib. NEVER. But this year, I will experience the phenomenon. I'm actually really looking forward to it- I mean, people wouldn't flock to this sandwich like this if it wasn't good. In addition, none of my three roommates have had one so we're going to head to McDonald's before December 5th, which is TECHNICALLY the final day the sandwich is to be sold.

There's a reason why I say "technically." Some stores still have yet to sell off their whole supply by that date, so there are actually groups of people out there who turn into nomads, sniffing out the Mickey D's who sell after the end date. It's like following a rock band, or those people in post-apocalyptic movies who are desperately searching for food and rely on rumors alone to set their paths. Let's face it- the only other McDonald' sandwich that has gotten this much publicity is the McGriddle, and they sell that year round, so it's not as exclusive. But I bet you if they sold it in spurts like the McRib, the same thing would happen.

Let me just say that the marketing is genius by McDonald's. They're taking an item that would undoubtedly sell well if sold year round, and giving it to people in spurts. they are holding the figurative "carrot on a stick" (although this is the farthest thing from a carrot) here, and they have it at exactly the right height. That, potentially, could have been risky. Another fast food joint could have offered a similar sandwich to fill the void left by the McRib, but nobody has stepped up to that plate. Also, for those of you who complain about why the sandwich is year round, consider this: Every restaurant would then have to increase storage capacity for the custom buns, McRibs, the special-cut onions, and the barbecue sauce- I'm pretty sure they don't have any other menu items that use those onions or a steady stream of barbecue sauce. That costs extra money (and possibly takes storage from better selling menu items), and if the McRib doesn't exceed its costs, then it's not smart to keep it on the menu. Having the McRib for a month requires a temporary shift in stock count, as well as no permanent changes to the menu or POS system.

So hit up the closest McDonald's by December 5th! Experience the revolution! Take part in the pandemonium! Immerse yourself in McRib Mania!

When Mall Stores Go Bad

I love the atmosphere of a mall. The hustle and bustle, the energy that people have just by knowing it's a lazy Saturday afternoon (way to contradict myself!), and the carefree nature of shoppers without a purpose makes it a fun place to be. I've been to many malls over the years and have found offense with a few of them- most of my gripes are directed toward the purpose of these stores, not necessarily the stores themselves. So, in no particular order, here are the stores, in no particular order, that are highest up on my list of irritating stores.

1. Sunglass Hut

Ooh, upscale. Still doesn't change the fact that there are 13 inches of snow outside, and unless Little Miss Socialite is visiting town, nobody in Minneapolis wears sunglasses in this weather.

Let's be honest- unless you live in a constantly sunny environment, this place has no relevance from September until May. So explain this to me- why does every Chicago mall have a kiosk dedicated to this anomaly? I mean, doesn't paying a year's worth of rent in places like Chicago do something to their bottom line financially? Doesn't anybody at the company notice this? Who knows- maybe the bigwigs at Sunglass Hut are wearing figurative shades. All I know is that I've seen some extremely bored salespeople at Sunglass Hut during this time of year around my parts.

2. White Barn Candle Company

WHAT? THIS CANDLE COST ME EIGHTEEN BUCKS? Oh....it really does smell like a vanilla cookie.

The one thing it seems that malls are good at is constructing stores that sell only one item and attracting idiots to the mall to purchase it. This is the case with White Barn Candle. To make matters worse, these candles are overpriced- they cost like twenty bucks apiece! With the money that people spend here, they could actually pay their electric bill or buy some Lysol to mask their apparent residential odors.

3. Claire's

I wonder if they pierce ears here....

Another niche store, but at least it's cheap. Every mall has one no matter how desolate the mall is, and the only reason people go is for the free ear piercings. It's irritating because I see 14 year-old Bieber wannabes shamefully go there to get their ears pierced, but that makes it kinda funny, too.

4. Finish Line/Champs/Footlocker/FootAction

Let's be honest- you wouldn't know which one it was if the huge Foot Locker sign wasn't hanging there.

It seems that there's some sort of mandate that every mall has to have at least three of these four shoe stores. I understand that if there's only one, they can potentially jack up the prices, but that's beyond the point here. The three of these stores all look the same, and for the most part, are selling the exact same shoes, playing the same music, and playing the same tired music videos and basketball mixtapes on their screens. Even that I don't mind. What really irks me is the fact that most of these stores have given me bad service. I've seen everything from employees talking back to eye rolling when I ask for another size. It wouldn't surprise me if they were all owned by the same entity like, oh, say, BET?

5. Abercrombie and Fitch

Unless you're part of a local Polar Bear club, you probably shouldn't be shirtless in winter. Someone relay that message to this guy.

This store irritates me the worst because it does it on a personal level- it's everything that the store seems to stand for. Same uniformity as the shoe stores, but it's irritating for other reasons. This store is one of the most whitewashed in mall history, ranking right up there with Hollister, Ruehl, and American Eagle. It's a shame too, because they have a lot of pretty good clothes there...and why is there always a shirtless guy in one of the posters? I can understand summer, but winter? When he's posing in a snowy forest? Sorry sir- I think I'll put on a sweater this season.

What I don't understand is how 14 year olds can go into a store whose prices are that high and come out with bags and bags of clothes. I'm not against parents allowing to give their kids a comfortable living- I hope to do that for my kids one day. But comfortable living does not mean that 13 year old Madison should be able to waltz into A&F with her mother's credit card and buy a bunch of $58 polos and $89 jeans without hesitating.

I will say this- pumping cologne into the vents is a nice touch- the amount is a little much, but I will admit that with a more "discrete" scent (i.e. one not smelling of shirtless douchebag), it's a pretty good idea.

6. Day To Day Calendar Company

Excuse me? I need a Peanuts calendar, a datebook, a Bathroom Facts Day To Day pull off, and one of the ones with the nekkid ladies in it.

Don't act like you don't know about this store. Usually around this time of year, they set up shop in the old Sam Goody that's been closed for 6 years (you know your mall never actually found a replacement for it) for about two months and sell all sorts of themed calendars. That's all well and good, but there's a problem: THEY ACT LIKE THEY DON'T WANT TO MAKE ANY FUCKING MONEY. Let's take a look see here. Most of the time, they stay open through the first couple days of January. The problem, though, is that they slash their prices by more than half when they reopen after Christmas. Why is that? Nobody gives calendars as gifts, so why not wait until after the new year has started to cut prices- it's not like the product is about to expire or anything. Besides, most people don't even realize that they need a new calendar/plan book until AFTER the new year comes in. This is really bad strategy on the part of the calendar store. Just terrible.

7. McDonald's

There are so many other great Trans-fat laden options to go with.
Everybody in their right mind knows Sbarro > McDonald's.

Your mall has a Great Steak and Potato, a Mrs. Fields, a Hot Dog on a Stick, an Auntie Anne's, and A GODDAMN SBARRO, AND YOU CHOOSE TO EAT AT McDONALD'S? Crawl in a hole somewhere. Nothing against McDonald's, but when I'm in a mall, I want to eat at mall franchises, not some evil franchise who has no place being there. You will never find me eating at a mall's Taco Bell, McDonald's, Burger King, etc. anytime soon.

So what did I miss? What other stores make you scratch your head? Post your suggestions in the box below or email me at jeremynelson1987@gmail.com- if there are enough, I'll compile a Reader's Edition!

The Three Towers of Trivia, November 16

Since the Facebook game is taking a break to scarf down some turkey next week, I may pose some old questions from the archive to keep you guessing!

What first name is shared by Mr. Ratburn of the PBS series Arthur, the producer of the TV series American Idol, and the host of a fictional documentary series on Nickelodeon?

What candy's wrapper features a smiling red balloon on it?

iPhones are to iOS as Palm phones are to what?

The 2010 MLS season culminates with the MLS Cup this coming Sunday. Name the two teams playing in that championship game.

The Internet, Circa 1969

One of my first blog posts was a look at how incredibly accurately Arthur C. Clarke predicted the iPad in 2001: A Space Odyssey. Well today, I come to you with a video Daily Double- this video shows the uses of a computer-specifically, some mockups of what appear to be predictions of online shopping, online banking, and video surveillance (Skype?). I don't know what the source of this video is, but since this device obviously wasn't available for sale, I'm guessing that the video came from either a science expo or a documentary television show.

Note the husband's reaction when he sees the bills from his wife's purchases- it's priceless.

The Waters Have Settled

Today, I have reached a milestone that I've been waiting to reach for about two months now. It's taken longer than I expected, but I've done it.

I, Jeremy Nelson, finally feel totally comfortable at my job.

When I was an intern at Kurtis Productions through the University of Dreams Program (Now Dream Careers), I was told during our orientation session that it usually takes interns anywhere from one to two weeks to finally feel totally comfortable in their new roles. Naturally, I expected that to carry over into my new job at the Department of Transportation. Wrong!

It's a little weird, because I'm used to working in big open spaces and not rows and rows of cubicles. At first, I felt a little closed off rom the rest of the office, partly because my cubicle is in a corner in the very back of the office. I knew I wasn't going to get an office or anything, but I didn't think I'd be this far away from people, either.

Don't get me wrong; the people at my job are freindly and quite easy to get along with. But when I have to leave my cubicle to complete a task of some sort, I only really have time to say "Hi!" and "How are you?" because I want to stay on task. Of course, that makes this whole ordeal my fault in the end for not sticking around longer, because I'm under the influence that everybody else has important work to do, not time to jab with the college student.

Of course, assumptions are terrible things, and I soon realized that people here really don't hesitate to take the time out to ask you how your day is going or how your life is going in general. Unfortunately, it took me two months to really understand that. Well, late is better than never, right?

If you're at a job and feel alone or shut out, make a conscious effort to get up and move around the office in your few spare minutes. Don't hesitate to actually talk to the people who you say hello to on a daily basis- you'll find that it means something to you and them. I wouldn't turn it into a full on conversation, but 90 seconds to trade weekend stories goes a long way.

Qranking out Questions

If you don't know yet, I'm a HUGE trivia buff. So it comes as no surprise that Qrank is one of my favorite trivia apps on the iOS, and even if you don't have an iDevice, you can still play the game by finding it on Facebook. The best part? IT'S FREE.

A game of Qrank in progress. Note the
three current events questions in the
400 point zone marked with a leaf. There's
also a question counter at the top that
keeps a tally of right and wrong answers
for that game.

The premise is simple: there's a game board with 20 questions, as seen to the right. Questions are ordered by difficulty and split into zones worth 200, 400, and 1000 points. Each day, 4 different categories are used, and any unused question with a leaf on it means that the question covers current events, so if you're an avid news reader, you're more apt to be more successful with those questions. You can play any 15 questions on the board, but the big catch is that you can only play the game once a day. So once you've played all 15 questions, you're done.

The game has a cavalcade of achievement badges attached to it- one of the most notorious being one that requires you to play the game every day for 365 days. But the one that I was most adamant about earning is called "Published", and is only given to players whose submitted questions are used in the game. It's a really smart way for Qrank's creators to generate content without running into writer's block.

So I've submitted a couple questions, but imagine my surprise when I saw that I had earned the Published Badge myself. I was a little nervous because I hadn't played the game in about a week, and my question could have been used anytime over that span. But I was lucky enough to catch it on the day it was used- the writers edited my question by switching the question content and the post-question anecdote, but I'm ecstatic that it was even used in the first place. Check it out below- sorry I didn't get screens of the four answer choices.

If you're not playing Qrank, you need to. Even if you're not a trivia buff, it's a great way to spend a couple of minutes each day- hey, you may even have a shot at beating my score!

Google Loves Me, This I Know

Not too long after I posted the latest set of trivia questions, Drew Scott from the incredibly awesome blog Blasters to Babies told me that he looked up the answer to one of my trivia questions, and lo and behold, my blog was the #1 return on Google. Drew even captured the screen, so I could trophy it around all day and night.

Life is good if you're the Trivia and Pancakes man.

The Three Towers of Trivia, November 9

Another Tuesday, another set of questions- Answer if you dare.

A famous Saturday Night Live sketch from the 1980s involved what singer having a Celebrity Hot Tub Party?

San Francisco has taken the first steps in becoming the first US city to potentially not offer what in a Happy Meal?

Tim Kitzrow gained fame as the play by play announcer for what sports game series?

Known for their K-Cup brewing system, what company also makes their own line of single-serve coffee makers?

What Las Vegas hotel was famous for a 1980 fire, a 1986 sale to Bally's, and a totally new iteration which opened in 1993?

ANSWERS:
1. James Brown
2. Toy
3. NBA Jam
4. Keurig
5. MGM Grand

Two Tiers in a Bucket

Revolutionary changes are on the horizon for the NFL. They are addressing safety concerns (even if their concern rivals that of an overprotective mother), a new CBA is on the horizon, and there's a very good chance that the league will extend play to 18 games in the near future. But one thing that I wish the league would do is create a two tiered system like in British Football.

In a tiered league, you have the top half of teams playing in one division, while the lower half play in another. At the end of each season (or a cycle of seasons in some cases), the best teams in the bottom league replace the worst teams in the top league. The promotion/demotion system forces teams to play their best year round, especially those who play in the upper league and fear demotion.

There are 32 teams in the NFL. What you do is you put the top 16 teams in the upper conference and the other half in the bottom. For the sake of things needing names, we'll call the upper conference Tier 1 and the lower conference Tier 2. You play each team in your tier once, which is 15 games, and you play 3 opponents in the other tier, supporting the league's goal to move to an 18 game season. Playoff spots go to the top 8 Tier 1 teams, and the Top 4 Tier 2 teams would act as Wild Cards in the current system, playing teams 5-8 in the Wild Card playoff week. In soccer, Tier 2 teams can only look forward to getting promoted, as the overall championship is only for Tier 1 teams. At least in my system, any team can make it to the Superbowl, allowing fans to make a fain investment in their team since they're not doomed from the start.

At the end of each season, the top 6 Tier 2 teams move up into Tier 1, where they replace the 6 worst teams there. This makes teams more responsible to the welfare of the game, and not to obtaining a high draft spot. People will be more apt to ask their teams "Why can't we get promoted and not just "Why don't we make the playoffs?" Tiering gives teams another way to take small steps toward becoming a better team. Instead of having to make goals that are three season away (like taking a cellar team to the playoffs), a smaller, yet more achievable goal in the short run would be to earn one of the 6 spots into Tier 1.

A two tiered system would also make it easier for more markets to enter the NFL, as the system would allow any competent market to enter Tier 2, even if just on a 5 year trial basis. Instead of having to re-do schedules and restructure divisions, all you have to do is add a team into Tier 2. For every pair of teams that enter the league (and this wouldn't happen very often), you even the number of teams in each tier. Schedule-wise, the tier with the extra team plays one less inter-league game. The league requires a 65,000 stadium seat minimum for a team to be considered for entry into the NFL, but there is no reason why Toronto and Los Angeles should not have NFL teams now. A more open league entry policy would make this system really work, but knowing the NFL, the interest always have been and always will be those of the owners. No commissioner is going to have balls to stand up to the owners and say "Hey, this is about creating a competitive environment for all parties involved, not making you a truckload of money." Somewhere along the way, the love of the sport got lost in the mix, and the NFL has lost its way.

Angry Birds Makes Me Happy

I've come to the conclusion that an iPhone user has no choice but to download Angry Birds. Sure, to some of you, this may be crazy game-loving Jeremy stuffing more content down your throat, but believe me on this one- you will thank me later.

At 99 cents, Angry Birds doesn't require you to make a huge financial decision, yet it comes jam packed with content which the developer, Rovio, keeps updating. All in all, the game touts 195 levels and counting, and let me tell you, conquering them is no easy task.

Here's the very odd plot: A group of birds are watching over a set of unhatched eggs. The birds are so protective that the second a mosquito lands on one, the birds then proceed to give him a mob-style beating. While this beating is going on, a set of pigs nearby are eating grass. Seemingly unsatisfied with their meal, the pigs spot the eggs and decide that the eggs would make a better meal. So they steal the eggs and the birds, horrified that they let such a thing happen, become angry and vengeful. Hence, Angry Birds.

Anyways, the pigs have retreated to structures made of glass, wood, and stone in what eventually escalates to a twisted version of The Three Little Pigs.. At the start of each level, you're given a set amount of birds and a slingshot. Your job is to launch the birds at these structures and "kill" the pigs living inside them. Make no mistake, these birds are on a serious kamikaze-type mission.

The Three Little Pigs this is not.

To help you out, each bird has a different ability. The basic red bird works like a cannonball, while the yellow one thrusts itself at a high velocity. The blue bird splits into three, another acts as a boomerang, and another acts as a ticking time bomb. The structures start out easy enough, but as you gradually move through the game, things start to pick up. You may be given birds that really aren't suited to take down certain structures. The structures are made of more stone than wood or glass, and the structures themselves are more architecturally sound in that they use a lot of triangles and reinforcement so that it takes quite a bit of damage to topple them.

Make no mistake though- this game is addictive. Because a level can take you less than a minute to complete, it's easy to pick the game up and play anytime you have a couple of free minutes. Like I said, it's 99 cents, and if you have an iPad, the HD version is $5- a steeper investment, but considering the larger screen and better graphics, it's still worth it. Either way, there's a reason why this game has been a top seller since it's release, and I hope you buy it and find out why for yourself.

Dumbing Us Down in 30 Second Intervals

I am a proud man. I stand by my fellow man when he is wronged, and justice must be served. Now women do have a lot of double standards to work through, but there is one that they never mention: Women who bond against men are seen as strong, independent, and brave. Men who bond against women are seen as chauvinist pigs. I like women...a lot....but I'll risk looking like a chauvinist if it means standing up for what I feel is wrong. If you read my title, you may be able to infer what I'm going to go after here.

Yep, it's those damn TV commercials that make men look like complete idiots.

I'm sure some women will read this and day to themselves "But men are stupid!". Hold the phone. We may do some things that make us SEEM stupid, but we are far from it. Moreover, all women aren't that clever.

And these ads are EVERYWHERE. According to these ads, women are flawlessly outfoxing, manipulating, and outthinking their husbands, boyfriends, brothers, and potential suitors. Not only that, but where do they find the men for these commercials? Most of these guys are greasy, overweight, bumbling fools who probably are pretty dumb in real life. Not once have I seen a commercial where men turn the tables on women.

Sure, I understand that companies want to appeal to women, as they are more active consumers than men. But do we have to appeal to women at the expense of making our gender look like imbeciles? Does it take that level of coddling and compliment-fishing to make women choose one brand over another?

Here are some of my favorite examples- one DiGiorno pizza commercial has a wife questioning her husband about mud tracks on their carpet. He lies and says it was the pizza guy, but then she finds out at the end of the commercial that it was actually her husband, who left the DiGiorno box on the kitchen counter. Sure, he probably shouldn't have told the lie, but if I were going to do that, I would have destroyed the evidence first.

Another recent Sprint commercial that touts their new all-in-one unlimited 3G package starts with a guy and a girl sitting at a diner. She sends him a text right there saying she wants to break up. While she's overenthusiastic about it, he seems kinda dejected. To make matters worse, she rubs salt in his wounds by changing her Facebook relationship status, sending him an email, all with a grin on her face.  Then, to top it all off, she calls him WHILE SITTING RIGHT ACROSS FROM HIM. Not exactly subtle about the breakup, now is she? I've got a sinking feeling she'd been a cheating whore for the past couple of months anyways. That guy can do better.

There's another where the guy is tying a fan to his cat's tail to get a stagnant air freshener to spread a fragrance in their home. His wife then rolls her eyes, gives him a pitied look, and plugs in a Glade Air Freshener. I don't think any man would be dumb enough to try that, let alone be concerned about the fact that his house doesn't smell like fresh lilies.

Last, but not least, is a Domino's commercial. The husband says to his wife that the pizza will arrive in 30 minutes, comes out in a silk robe, and basically proposes a round of sex. She then says to him in a deadpan/cut-down (i.e. Leah Remini-like) way "Well, what are we gonna do with the other 28 minutes?". The only person to ever pull that line off and be funny was Mrs. Roper on Three's Company....God bless that woman.

Here's the way I see it....it's unhealthy to make new friends by making fun of old ones. Same applies here- I hate these commercials, and although they don't affect my decision making, they're not enjoyable. I'd like to laugh or be influenced to buy something when I see a commercial, and not have to go "man, that's fucked up" every 30 seconds.

I am Man, hear me roar.

The Three Towers of Trivia, November 2

Happy Tuesday! Here are your questions:

With 918 deaths, what single event caused the largest death of American citizens in a non-natural disaster until the events of 9/11?

What famous battle is the focal point of Shakespeare's play Henry V?

The Chilean flag most resembles the flag of which U.S. State?

What longtime announcer on the TV game show Wheel of Fortune passed away this Halloween in his Los Angeles home?

The "Canary" in Canary Islands refers to what type of animal?

ANSWERS:
1. Jonestown Massacre
2. Battle of Agincourt
3. Texas
4. Charlie O' Donnell
5. Dog

S-N-Hell

I have grown to loathe Saturday Night Live. In the last couple years, the only time the show seems to be funny is when former cast members like Tina Fey, Amy Poehler or Will Ferrell make guest appearances. We'll just throw Betty White in there for good measure, too.

But that's not the only reason I have a dislike for the show now; it's the overcrowded, underwhelming 90 minute debacle that the show has become. Ratings have declined, the show won't have any veteran cast members other than Kenan Thompson after this season, and these things make it clear that they are currently in a rebuilding season.

The show has been in this position many times before, but they haven't really had to deal with rebuilding seasons since the 80s and early 90s. In those cases, the show was often on the verge of cancellation, and series creator Lorne Michaels has stated that there were a few times where he's had to beg for another season and clean house in order to get it.

Right now, SNL needs some consistency, and here's what I'd do as a network exec to get the show back on the right track.

1: Cut the show to 60 minutes.

By the time you've reached the 70 minute mark or so, the only things left are the last musical performance and the goodbye. The opening sketch usually isn't funny and is really only a lead in to the credits. I say we cut everything down. All That, Nickelodeon's popular children's sketch show, wasn't live, but they did everything they needed to do in 30 FRIGGIN MINUTES. They had an opening Green Room sketch, an intro, roughly 5 sketches, and a musical guest. Why can't SNL do all of that in 60 minutes? Basically, the SNL staff takes what Second City Comedy takes months to do in putting a show together, and crams it into a week. To do that effectively week in and week out, you need people that can handle that sort of rigor, and I don't know if the current cast can do that. If I had one or two less sketches each week, and they were shorter, I could probably make them funnier in the long run, since I have more time to work with less. Less is more, people. I'd rather see the cast put together eight funny sketches than thirteen, with only three of them actually being funny.

2: Monitor the celebrity guest

I know that being the celebirty guest comes with some prestige, but it goes farther than I could ever imagine. Apparently the host, along with Lorne Michaels, gets the final say on which sketches will air and which ones won't. That's a lot of power to give to someone who may not be that funny in the first place. I think the position as host of SNL is reward enough that you don't need to give someone that much rope. And then they might not even be funny in their own sketches! Okay, sometimes they are. But what holds true is that more often than not, they aren't funny, and are normally thrown into skits that don't take advantage of their brand of humor. If I'm going to give someone that kind of power, they've got to have a proven comedy repertoire- Steve Martin and Alec Baldwin are good examples, Gabourey Sidibe is not.

3: Cut the musical performances to one

The musical guest performs twice, and let's be honest- unless the musical guest is a scantily clad woman, nobody ever watches both performances. Cut it to one, and merge it with the end of the show- that saves time on the back end.

4: Change the show's time.

Why is this show on at 10:30 at night? They do nothing different at 10:30 than what I see on TV two hours before. I know I've been preaching consistency, and this is the least consistent thing I could possibly suggest, since the show has been in this timeslot for years, but if the show airs at that time, I at least want to see or hear something more vulgar. Otherwise, what's the difference in putting the show on at 8 or 9 PM?

I really want to like SNL, but they're trying my patience.

Someone Douse The Heat- I Don't Care Who.

The other night I was watching the Lakers Championship ceremony right before their home opener, and I noticed something- I actually didn't hate the Lakers this year. Quickly, however, my motive became clear. I like any team that isn't the Miami Heat this year, and until that unholy trinity breaks up, it'll stay tht way.

I don't care that Bosh went to Miami- as a matter of fact, the fact that Bosh stated he wouldn't play as hard as a center, coupled with the fact that he's only an inch shy of seven feet, makes him look like a bigger pansy. No, in this situation, all of my hate goes towards LeBron. It wasn't the fact that he signed with a new team- it was the way he went about it. The Decision, the long months of waiting for an answer, and all of the "extravaganza" that engulfed the NBA for the entire summer was unnecessary, especially when you have a kid like Kevin Durant, who despite being a franchise player (and last season's scoring champion), silently tweeted his happiness over his extension with the Thunder.

LeBron leaving Cleveland is like having a great, faithful spouse who lacks one trait (fill in the blank yourself)....and leaving them because someone else promises they has an abundance of the missing trait, with no real evidence to back it up.

But before I get too riled up, let's keep in mind that LeBron has done this before. Lebron was a member of the "Fab 4", a group of friends who played basketball together since they were young. The boys were expected to go to Buchtel High School, an Akron public school who saw the players' arrival as a huge upgrade to their basketball team. However, one of the boys decided to attend the predominantly white St. Vincent St. Mary's High School, which messed with the foursome's plan to play basketball together for a little while longer. Eventually, the other three followed suit and went to St. V's. The black community was none too happy about it.

Let's not even get into Wade's acting career in making teams believe that they had a shot at him, when in actuality, he was deliberately wasting their time. He knew he was coming back to Miami regardless, and it was a ploy to hold other teams up in their free-agent chase. It was a calculated, classless move that I won't soon forget when the Heat are hanging their heads at the expense of the Chicago Bulls.

Usually, I don't like the Lakers. But if it takes them completing another three-peat for LeBron and the Heat to get their due, then I'll happily watch.

Count Chocula in Same Position Since 1971, Longs to be More Than a Count

Oh, Count Chocula...how much longer must you be a Count before you get your due? Since 1971 when you got your promotion from Viscount (pronounced v-eye-count, not as a rhyme with discount) to Count, you seem to be in some sort of career purgatory. I think you deserve a promotion. I mean, how many boxes of Count Chocula cereal have you sold over the past 40 years? Thousands? Millions? Billions? The world will never know....

Why don't we figure out what's holding you back? I mean, you should have had what- at least three promotions by now, right? So here's what we should do- let's envision you with new titles...maybe that will motivate you to go for that promotion. In this world, Counts are kinda looked down upon. I mean, look at what happened to Jerry- he got complacent, and now he's stuck in that dead end job over on Sesame Street! Every time I go over there to visit, his breath reeks of vodka and herring; let's not even talk about the molestation rumors.

So, let's see what positions should be waiting down the pipe... Margrave Chocula- well, it doesn't sound great, but it's a transitional job, I guarantee you! A transition right into...Marquess Chocula? That whole level has got to be transitional- after you get past Marquess, you'll be....INFANTE CHOCULA? You sound like The Count's cocaine supplier!

Okay....Prince Chocula is next. That's pretty cool. You can dig that, right? NO?!?!? Why not? Oh....you know what? Screw your brother- just because he's King Chocula doesn't make you his bitch if you become Prince. You still get to have sex with lingerie models and ride around in fan- okay, we'll move on.

Alright, Duke Chocula. Sounds like you take 'roids and fist pump on the Jersey Shore. Grand Prince and Grand Duke sound like you belong to the KKK, so at least there's Archduke, right?

NO! NO! The only way you could become King Chocula is if you kill your brother...and we all know you don't have the balls or the stomach to do that. You know what? Keep peddling your cereal- you're probably better off that way. No....stop crying. He's crying now. Oh, come on. You know what? Let's go see Jerry. Maybe he has some more of those uppers you like so much.

Yep, I said it. The Count's real name is Jerry. Jerry Berman. You can quote me on that.

Cheap Army Men and Glow Sticks

Ah, the pizza arcade. The hotbed for children!s birthday parties and broken dreams. When I was a kid, I was lucky enough to have birthday parties at two of the best pizza arcades I've ever been to. That, combined with my having been to a slew of birthday parties, I've had my fair share of battles with the games at these places. In a nutshell, these places are like kiddie casinos, with kids paying money to play games of random chance and skill, winning tickets that can be traded in for worthless prizes that eventually litter the bottom of your toy box. The goodie bags you got at these parties often had more valuable stuff in them.

I, along with thousands of kids, have racked up tons of tickets. In some cases, we've saved from birthday party to birthday party, hoping that we earn enough to buy whatever the top prize was. In my youth, there was a signed Michael Jordan poster that took 20,000 tickets to buy. Soon, these places began offering Xboxes and Playstations that not only would take you 2 years worth of your parents salary to get, but by the time you had enough tickets, the Playstation 4 would be nearing the end of its life cycle.

Basically, I've had a lot of broken dreams. Simply put, if these machines took over the world, they'd screw the children first. So today, I take a look back at the games which shaped and ultimately crushed my childhood dreams of winning a large, overstuffed Marvin the Martian replica:

1: Wheel 'M In

Despite the fact that this game paid out a bunch of tickets, I HATED it. Basically, you'd shoot a coin onto this conveyor belt. It would have to land EXACTLY on one of the colored ticket strips painted on the belt, or you'd win nothing. If your coin was just a little off, the machine wouldn't cut you any slack. To make things worse, the Uncle Pennybags-meets-creepy uncle at the top of the machine would taunt you and say something like "Missed it by that much!". What an arrogant bastard.


The company has come out with a new version of the machine to swindle a new generation of ticket hunters called Wheel 'M In Extreme. It's the same game play, which, in turn, probably induces the same punch-a-hole-in-the-glass feeling deep in my gut.


2: Colorama

Colormama was made by Bromley, the same company who produced Wheel 'M In, so you know there's some sort of scam going on here. Colorama was the most thinly veiled way to bring the roulette wheel to the pizza arcade. You'd put a coin in and bet on which colored section a small bouncy ball would land in. Each colored section was a different size; the smaller the section, the more tickets it would pay out if you bet on it and won. This is probably the fairest game on my list, but that's not saying much. On top of that, when the wheel would spin, the machine would break into poetic verse, spouting "Round and round and round it goes// Where it stops, Nobody knows!" Actually, yeah, you do. You know goddamn well where it stops. Because you're a fucking machine with a twisted computer brain."

3: Progressive Skee Ball

Now don't get me wrong- I love Skee Ball- it's one of my favorite games in the arcade to this day and will probably be the first thing I buy for my future rumpus room (I just wanted to say rumpus room)! But Progressive Skee Ball is a bastard. The premise is that there's a bank of Skee Ball machines, all connected to this one ticket jackpot. To win the jackpot, you have to hit a really high target score (which is usually damn near a perfect game). Every few unsuccessful jackpot attempts raises the jackpot until someone hits it or the arcade shuts down for the day, at which point the jackpot resets to a paltry 200 tickets, or something like that. If this system sounds familiar, it is- it's the same one that casinos use for slot jackpots.

4: Cyclone
Alright, now everyone has played this game before. I've dropped more coin in this machine than most people ever will, and I'll tell you what- I have NEVER won the jackpot. NEVER. You see those two arches right in front of that button? The object is to stop a rotating light (seen here near the pink arches) in between your arches by hitting your button.

I hate this game. With a passion. I used to mindlessly drop tokens in this one just hoping to win. Then, once I began to see how rigged this game was, I dropped more tokens in, eventually hoping to win just to spite the machine. Yes, I said it- to spite a MACHINE. If Wheel 'M In didn't make me crazy, this game did.

5: Coin Pushers

Every pizza arcade had them, but nobody ever quite understands how they work. I'll tell you- shitty. That's how they work. You basically drop coins down a Plinko-like wall, and they work their way across a pusher. In essence, you're hoping your coin is the one that causes some of those coins on the edge to fall off. You win those coins that fall off (and in the case of cheaper arcades, you get a couple tickets for each coin instead. Unfortunately, no matter the theme of the machine- whether it's outer space themed, music themed, or even Price is Right themed (yep, there's one of those), you never win a goddamned thing. Only one of every 60 million people has lived to tell their happy ending with these gold coin stealing whores.

6: Any Kiddie Machines

Technically, all of the machines on my list are kiddie machines, but I mean the ones that are for the kids who are too young to ever know what they hell they're doing. The smaller basketball machines with a 2 foot hoop, the Bozo Buckets machine, and a couple others fit this category. If you were 10 or 11, you thought you found a way to cheat these machines- you'd rack your score up to like 58,000 and you got rewarded with a paltry 7 tickets, since that's the ceiling that the operators set for it. Dejected, you went back to playing big kid machines, since the effort definitely wasn't worth the reward.


So, after winning Army men with faulty parachutes, half opened Warhead candies, the occasional Whoopie Cushion, and a few temporary tattoos, I can't say I didn't have a good time. But I would have been a lot happier with a bunch of stuff that ultimately, would have been cheaper had I bought it at retail price.

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